still waiting

[Ahoy]

I can't thank you guys enough! I have been in a really low spot, and it is so encouraging to have your support. (I do have lots of friends and family checking in on me daily, but I suspect they are tired of my endless loop of anger/sadness/hope/despair.) I'm trying to come out of the hole.

Just to set your minds at ease -- I have benign brain tumors of the lining of the brain (meningiomas). I had three large ones removed two years ago, and the rest (three or so) have to be monitored by MRI every 9 months to see if further surgeries are necessary. The MRIs are expensive, even with insurance. But the good news is that I'm well, overall, and fully functional (coaching my daughter in soccer, doing headstands in yoga). Aside from the crazy scar under my hair, you'd never know I have a head full of garbage!

Lisa -- my H is not angry or vindictive, just selfish and cheap. Here is a man I supported as a stay-at-home dad for two years, put through grad school for three, and moved and left good jobs in order for him to further his career twice. I work full-time (now self-employed), and also did all the cleaning, dinners, child care, bill-paying, doctor appointments, kid's lessons, etc. Mainly I did this because I'm good with multi-tasking and time management and he has ADD and works all the time. I thought I was doing all that out of love so he'd have time to focus on his work. And now? I guess he resents me for it. Says he enjoys living on his own, doing his own laundry (what on earth stopped you these past 15 years?!), and being a "big boy." Well, I don't want a big boy, I want a real man who wouldn't walk out on his family for no good reason just to "find himself."

The only time he expressed anger is when I asked him if there was someone else (defensive much?) and when we discuss financials (cheap and selfish much?).

I am a very independent person, but I also realize I was completely meshed with him and there probably was a lot that I took for granted (that he would always be there, for instance). I should have given him more responsibilities with the house and kid. I should have listened more.

At the same time, he took me for granted (and all that I did for him and the family); almost never volunteered to do things around the house unless asked; and didn't share his feelings with me, so I was blindsided when the time came.

I acknowledge that I had shortcomings in the relationship in this regard (who doesn't?), but as I told him, I think it would be worth it to work on these issues to see what's possible before tossing the M away.

Card, I feel grateful that I do have support -- I hike daily with a rotating cast of great girl friends. My siblings and parents call throughout the week, and I have been going out and GALing every night on the weeks when I don't have my D.

Shakes, Thanks for the support. I'm okay with getting a D if that's what he wants. But I won't remarry. Maybe that makes me rigid, but I can't see wanting to be legally bound to someone I'm not sure I can ever fully trust again. I might rekindle our relationship, but not marry him.

Right now, though, I don't even want to be with him, even though I spent all of yesterday crying pathetically about the reality of possible divorce.

So confusing!

Sorry for the long post... I just have so much going through my head these days.

Love you guys!