Mindsin - pt. 4 (the countdown begins)

[25yearsmlc]

DB Coaching session #7

I brought my DB coach up to speed on the latest developments. While she feels that the past weekend's talks worked against me, she thinks I may have come out of those talks mostly unscathed, evidence by her behavior on Sunday. How much that behavior was a result of her conversation with her parents is unknown, but it's a positive sign.


Don't confuse a potential positive sign with thinking it was not a mistake to have the R talks, again...And stop having them! Yikes, I don't know what else to say. IT's as if you think merely surviving those talks is enough to keep having them but I thnk it's only a matter of time before your wife has heard too much...

Listen to the coach (and us) and stfu PLEASE...it will show some self control and that's one thing she fears you lack, b/c of the job losses and the affairs.

Show her you CAN be disciplined....make sense?


She agrees that I need to revisit the fundamentals of DB-ing. Recognize and note all of the mistakes I have made -- particularly in the last couple of weeks -- the pursuing, the pressure. It needs to stop.

this^^ is Emphatically TRUE....can I get an "amen"? AMEN!!
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She thinks the talk I had with the OMW last week and the revelation of the conversation (and the OMW's claims) put doubt into my W and may have caused her (even slightly) to re-evaluate her relationship with OM.

Even if that is true, it also COST you a lot. Makes you look insecure, gossipy, weak, possibly distrustful. And whatever information that hurts OM and her r with him needs to come from someone OTHER than you. Don't be the messenger. There are plenty of other ways she can figure this out, she does NOT need you standing over her shoulder saying "I told you so" which I would-bet she fears and expects from you.

Know this, sometimes the most loving LOYAL thing to say to a spouse is NOTHING.

When Alaska and my h's dreams of the "Gold Rush Sure to give us a gazillion dollars" all fell flat, I never once said "I told you so."

When His contract with the hospital (which was one I'd never advise signing but h said I was being "negative" and "raining on his parade" and that I was "biased") fell apart and worse than I predicted came about, I said nothing.

We got financially very damaged by his unilateral choice.

I said nothing b/c HE KNEW IT already and why would I need to remind him of that? I don't believe that we "educate by humiliate" so I never did.

Keep that in mind b/c her FEARS of your inability to forgive, may haunt you and being so "talkative" probably makes her think you cannot let something go.

If she thinks you'll always bring up the A, or throw it in her face every time you guys disagree or fight, it'll be a real obstacle to reconciliation. So seriously review and remind yourself of the positives of NOT talking about the R so much.


I need to be aware that she will never express this doubt to me. But the doubt is evidenced by her desire to fly away to see a friend for a week by herself, and her need to seek counseling from her parents.

Okay fair enough. So back off and trust this process. Trust that the love she once had for you CAN resurface if you let it, which means stop pushing for it so muh...okay?

Continue to listen to her. Eliminate the confrontational communication (stop trying to drive my point home). Keep up PMA and 180s.

Yes, yes.

She is also very encouraged by the turn of events in the A -- the OM's impending relocation, the break-up talks, all the uncertainty, and the lack of any forward movement regarding separation or D from BOTH marital situations.

You mean the DB coach, right? Just checking.