KGirl, you are DEFINITELY not naive. That is exactly how you should feel, IMO. You married him with the mutual faith that you would be the only person you would each share intimacy with until death. You seem strong to be where you are, and to move out. I know people who have been strung along for years while clinging to whatever scraps of affection their unfaithful spouse would give them. They were miserable hoping for those scraps to turn into a fulfilling marriage. And after all of it, the cheater ended up finally leaving them with nothing. It was so brave of you to leave and pursue DB principles It is the best thing you could possibly do for YOU and for your M.
As far as what information to require from your WAH if he does attempt to reconcile, I would defer to vets, but it seems like it's up to you. One thing you might want to consider is your long term capacity for forgiveness and forgetting: What questions are you capable of letting go (REALLY letting go- never thinking of again, and if you did think about it, the question wouldn't really bother you 5+ years down the road) and what questions do you think would just fester inside of you permanently? If you let something stick inside of you for a long time, you are bound for more rocky roads in the future. If your WAH does eventually whole-heartedly pursue reconciliation, then he will need to be very patient in waiting for you to have your questions answered and for you to believe the answers. But I wouldn't ponder those questions too much at this stage - they are the opposite of detachment!
FYI- I think setting a boundary with your friends and family giving you updates on him is a GREAT idea if those things bother you. Take care of yourself and work on the only thing you can work on in your M: YOU. How are 180's going?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It is the best thing you could possibly do for YOU and for your M.