Journaling Aaaaaannnnddd I waffled. Yup. (Shaking my head). I met him. Tried to stay angry. Nope.
But I wasn't a gushing mess. Non-emotional.
I met H in the parking lot in front of the main building. H texted after work that he wanted to talk to me about something.....
Although, it isn't a constant focus, the thought of D does cross my mind. I thought, now that house is closed....the next step in his path of destruction maybe??
We never mention the word. We don't have R talks. We don't argue.
Deep breath.
So, I walked out to him as he sat in his car, and got the kids' cards through his window. He asked if I have a minute, and I got in the passenger side.
He looked right into my eyes. Cr@p.
He told me he was sorry for the text earlier, asking about my job search, that he didn't want me to think he was hounding me.
He told me that he remembered that right after we got married, we cashed in 20k of one of my retirements to put down on the house. One of his (equivalent) retirements is in a new account, which is now joint (50-50).
So he said he wants to give me more of the house money, out of his proceeds, to give me "half" of my original down payment back....which legally, he does not have to do.
They are just words, I know. We'll see what he does. But for some reason, he has not been a spender.....yet, at least.
Here's what's so weird....He kept repeating over and over and over....like a machine...."l want to do the right thing. I want you to have this because its the right thing to do. I want to make sure I keep my integrity. No one can say I took your money. It's the right thing to do. No matter how mad you ever get at me, or what anyone ever says about me, I'll know I did the right thing."
What is that all about? As always, I just let him talk. I only said thank you.
Then he told me he's selling some of his prized possession instruments. He said he's buying different ones...maybe. But he's getting rid of stuff.....and that dang suicide thing has me freaking scared. My antennas went up.
Idk, it may be nothing. But I'm forever aware, and forever changed because of it.
He looked great, although his eyes were watery at times. He looked really, really great. >sigh<
Then.... We talked a little about my sons moving, and that led to a talk about my xh. One of my S18 is possibly going to live in the basement of xh house, with xh and xhgf. It's near S18 college....more space than my apartment....I don't blame him.
There is a lot of bad history with xh, that I haven't shared here. He was not a good man. But, that was a decade ago. He had a few years where he got very aggressive...I think he was secretly taking some meds.... He is in a different place now, and has been for 5-6 years. I think he grew up. He's had years and years of professional help. He isn't dangerous, for sure.
My H has been really upset and bothered by S18 moving there, and asked if that makes what we told him untrue.....I said "No, but a lot has changed in the past years with S18 and xh R (I don't talk about xh improvements to h...it wasn't ever relevant). S is 18. I don't get to decide his life, or anyone's. You're the one who taught me this when your D19 started doing (x,y,z), and you said you don't agree with all her choices, but she's 18. They have to learn and sometimes fall on their own."
Ok.....Why should he suddenly ask or pretend to care? Btw, this is the same S18 that found H at suicide attempt, and the same one who was H target of blame when the spewing started and I didn't know what it was..... H chucked us all into the trash anyway so he would not have these responsibilities. Why ask or have input, then? I don't understand his sudden concern about my sons, who haven't spoken to him since S.
I shrugged it off for the most part. I didn't argue, or take any bait. I calmly made a comment about the fact that none of us really has any say over what someone else decides to do, good or bad, do we, H......
Crickets.
Then I told him I had to go. I was quick to exit. No hug. I simply skeet-daddled outa there.
So, in summary, what all this means?....nothing. We will either get D or we won't. We will either reconcile, or we won't. Who the f knows.
