So the DB in me tells me that I should weigh this out, continue to love my wife, go on dates, stay positive/upbeat, and to not bring up OM in hope that the changes my W sees in me will cause her to want to leave OM. This was the approach that I took about a year ago (minus some screw ups here and there).
But you see how that turned out, don't you? Do you honestly believe she ever stopped anything with OM? Women can cover their tracks very well. They figure out how to carry the A deeper underground so that H thinks it has ended. The H who really wants to believe her....is usually the one who is deceived the worst. Love can be blind in many ways.
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The other side of me wants to talk to my wife about this. I feel that going down this road will cause whatever progress has been made to go down the drain real quickly and I doubt it will cause wife to want to end friendship with OM. This approach seems to be the quickest way to divorce.
If you mean work things out by sitting down and having a discussion about OM.....and thinking she will agree to end it (again), then it won't work. But let me tell you, you really need to stop referring to this as her FRIENDSHIP with OM. Call it what it is. It is an AFFAIR with OM. Besides, what kind of W would choose a friendship over her M.......if that's all it was! Do you have a "friend" that means more to you than your spouse?
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That said, it bothers me that see is still with OM and I don't know what will give the marriage the best chance in her leaving OM for good. Do I weigh this out and hope she changes like DB teaches or do I need to smell the roses and realize that she probably will never leave OM, even if it just a friendship?
No, that's not how you need to work it. Have you done any of the things I suggested in my previous posts? B/c that was to build up to establishing your boundaries. Stating your boundaries in no uncertain terms is how you deal with the issues of your W and her A with OM. Are you familiar with how that works? Don't confuse it with ultimatums. However, once stated, be ready to carry it out.
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I want my marriage to be saved and I love my wife, but it is hard to see a long term future with trust and intimacy (not just physical but emotional also) when she continues to confide in OM even if it is under the guise of just being friends. I know that OM is a boundary I want to have but is it wise to enforce that boundary now and risk the marriage altogether vs giving her more time, etc.
Can you give me an example of how you would enforces a boundary?
Btw, how long has W gone without being intimate with you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
