Inside my chrysalis 3

[Card29]

... A question like "have you done X yet?" sounded to me like a major judgment and criticism, ...

Oh man, I need to put that on my 180 list, too. That's exactly how I feel. My first reaction, regardless if it's done, is, "Quit micromanaging me."

[Ss06]

We never really fought and I have resting happy face... haha. He said I was too nice, too complimentary and too easy to get along with...?!

Lisa,

I am dumbfounded. I wonder if your being "too nice, too complimentary and too easy to get along with" means he felt guilty finding fault with you over the years so he felt just leaving and being the bad guy would be easier? Gosh, I could mind read my way through that for years...

... but in the meantime, all you can do is BE you. His judgement or criticism of your niceness says WAY more about him than it does about you. Granted, it's still rejection and that's not easy to swallow.

I'm seriously shaking my head thinking of your H. What on earth is going on with him?

[Elsa]

I think that's really the kind of thing that only someone in an affair fog would say.

[Ss06]

... A question like "have you done X yet?" sounded to me like a major judgment and criticism, ...

Oh man, I need to put that on my 180 list, too. That's exactly how I feel. My first reaction, regardless if it's done, is, "Quit micromanaging me."

I see it as nagging, which gets no one anywhere. There are 1,000 other ways to phrase this in order to gain information.

I will say though that if H said this to me I'd know it was just to gain information and not to criticize me or nag me. He may even preface it with "I'm not trying to nag, I'm just curious if you've done this yet". I have to TRUST that he's genuine in his attempt to gain information. If he's not, that's his problem. My job is to take it at face value, right? Not easy for sure.

[claire7]

If my H had been able to say, "I don't mean to sound like I'm nagging, just curious" that would have been a game changer. He usually would pose those questions just as we got into bed.

Put me in a sexy mindset for surrrrrre.

And by sexy mindset I mean that I then spent the next 30 minutes stressing and feeling like a total failure as a mom, wife and human. It was totally awesome.

[gan]

Wow. Great discussion over here. Not only are we all reactive communicators but it seems many of us have RBF as well!!

Actually I have LBF (listening bitch face) and I only figured this out 2 weeks ago when I was working in Tanzania. After we'd conducted a focus group a Maasai lady told me (in Swahili…needed translation) something to the effect of "We love you...but you look angry…when we see that we think we have said something wrong. When you smile along with us, we are happy." Whoa! And to think I was really thinking about my body language and trying to show that I was engaged in the conversation. Then I realized, when I am listening intently I tend to frown!

So now I am practicing trying to keep my eyebrows in place or even up while smiling! But at least now I don't feel like such a goof knowing that there are others out there who are working on your happy faces, too ;-)

[LisaB]

Ss, Elsa - you are both right. His complaints were coming from the fog. He couldn't think of very many bad things to say so he just said "you are too easy/boring, I don't feel a spark". I should have had RBF I guess! LOL a month later he asked ME why we broke up, as if he wanted me to tell him... fogggg.

I also wear my emotions plainly on my face. It is so hard to control it. And I totally get what you are saying Ganb8te, if you look at photos of a group listening to someone talk, often about half of them look seriously angry and upset. I do a lot of event photos and most audience photos have to be trashed because people look mad instead of fascinated! It's so interesting.

[Ss06]

ganb8e, it's amazing how sometimes we have to fly half way across the world and be told in another language that we're projecting an angry face. I've visited the Maasai, too. Granted I was about 18 months old but the women were fascinated by my red hair. My father taught at an all boys Maasai school during the Peace Corps and we went back to visit. The photos are incredible.

Aaaanyway, Lisa, you do event photography? Me too. Well sort of here and there. I prefer portraits but events pay well.

And since none of that was really about reactive communication or our collect RBFs, I'll just say this:

I bought One More Try by Gary Chapman and, while it's heavy on God (it's Chapman so it only makes sense) it's insightful BUT I also got John Gottman's The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples and it is fascinating. It appeals to my desire for empiracle evidence and data analysis to prove theories and make discoveries so WOW, it's awesome in that area. The BIG one though, the BIIIIIG book that is helping with my reactive communication problems is The Solo Partner. It's a true winner from start to finish. Get it. You'll thank me (and whomever told me to get it, too).

[labug]

Gottman stuff is good. Did you look at How To Improve Your Marriage....?

So to the question "Did you do X yet?" create a positive back story, that's how my husband asks questions, straight and to the point.(keeping in mind, a jerk is a jerk) I can either take no offense, be offended or talk with him about how that question bothers me.

[labug]

And I'm sure it's a surprise to no one here that I'm the one in my house that asks, clipped, to the point questions.

I've had to learn to soften that a bit.