After I got back from the conference my H detachment suffered in a major way for a number of reasons. I wish I could put a reset button and just delete everything that has happened that I know but it's not really that easy (can't unring the bell, right?)
This past weekend was a charity walk that I've participated in with H's family since they've started doing it. One of the family members suffers from the disease the walk is for. Lots of post from facebook from other relatives of pictures with H. What got me down, moreso than the fact that I wasn't participating this year, was that I just didn't find him attractive at all. His hair is grown out (whether intentional or not, don't know) and it is pretty gross. He had new shoes, new clothes, which made me wonder what else is "new" in his life. Several friends have independently said that H has become a "douchebag" over the past few weeks/months. He posts on social media about things like Floyd Mayweather and how great he is (our mutual friends that are now "my" friends and myself are anti-boxing), posts selfies of himself in Floyd Mayweather t-shirts, posts politically conservative things (he was moderate "before" all this) has gross hair, and in general doesn't have good social skills (asking friends that want nothing to do with him if they want to hang out or if he can visit them). My mom and his mom actually work at the same place, and my mom said something about their charity walk. His mom asked how she knew about that, and my mom replied she saw pics on H's facebook. W/in 24 hours he defriended her. ??? It's not as if we couldn't see his facebook from other sources (like.. my sister that is still friends with him?) It seems antagonistic for no reason. And I'm even a little embarassed by him.
Why do I recount all this? None of these changes are attractive or draw me back to him. And I am scared that this is him becoming who he really is or was meant to be, rather than a phase. And I don't want to use the excuse that "people change" for divorcing someone... but if we're already S, and his changes are just completely uninteresting/the opposite of what attracted me to him... then what?
This was easier when I didn't know anything about him. Maybe I need to set up some sort of boundary with friends and family to not share things about him with me. On the other hand, if I'm completely in the dark and he later wants to R, would I be OK with having been in the dark about what he did during the S?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
