On the brink, need a miracle

[25yearsmlc]

Onguard,

First, I'm very sorry you are here in this situation (although this is the place to be for just this type of ordeal).

I am amazed you have been together since you were both 13! Have either of you dated other people before you got married?

I do understand why you went to the game, and she HAD mentioned her birthday in a way that would have confused me as well.

However, once the behavior of her mother and she became weird (I would criticize it more but it mostly struck me as very odd behavior. WTH is HER own mother doing, acting like that? Is SHE having a MLC or what? Are her parents married?)

Where were your children during all this? Also, your comment about how much harder it is for you, when a lot of others know, is a good one. Frequently people think exposing the A can get a spouse home faster but I often think, "what about the LBS?" B/c it's not just harder for the WAS to return when others know, it's harder to take them back.

Try not to let that make your decision for you b/c that is just pride.

But there are other factors to process, in favor of reconciling AND against.

Just don't let your ego be one of the factors. (Ego is not the same as self respect, but it can darn hard to tell the difference between the two, at times).

Thanks for the comments Starsky. My dad said the same thing you did! And, That is a great question. I had an offer to go out of town for the weekend and all of my supporters advised me to go. But I thought that leaving on her birthday would be a di*k move. So, l stayed and thought that maybe we could have a good day as a family. I could show her that I could have fun, be light, confident and attractive. Instead, what I faced was basically being ignored while she and my MIL partied like single college women.

I am trying to face the reality that my wife no longer wants anything to do with me. She has no regard for my feelings.


Maybe yes, maybe no. But what she feels today/this hour/week, is NOT going to be what she feels next week/month or tonight.

The emotions involved swing back and forth, but you already know this. Keep it in mind. And remember that your feelings will swing back & forth too.


When I told her yesterday how much her behavior upset me, she said that she "was happy that it hurt me and that I deserved it for all of the times that I would talk to other women in front of her." She was referring to employees of our's at a company holiday party that happened 10 years ago.


Wow, that^^ was a brutal thing to say. Could you ask her if she is referring to the event of 10 years ago? I mean, I'd literally have to know if that is how wacky her thinking is. Is it?

And what the heck happened then, that she has not gotten over?

If there is something nefarious out there or if you have deeply wounded her or had an affair OR IF SHE THINKS those things, can you shed light on that now?

Was it ever resolved? Would SHE say it was? Dig deep and be brave for this...

I ask you that^^, b/c if there is nothing to it, if she is truly out of her gourd, then I'm going to have to agree with Starsky's approach here.

And you should know, that's a rare event.


She has shown no remorse for her affair. She has admitted to still having a desire to be with her ap. There are so many signs that she is totally checked out. I am done being a doormat. In this game, nice guys really do finish last.

Don't confuse nice with the word "weak". They are NOT the same.

Nice Strong men finish first.


Just so I know, are you aware of any physical problems your wife has had lately? You began your thread mentioning that a lot of this is uncharacteristic of your w.

If so, I'd want to know if she going thru menopause, if you know. It is preceded by a few months/years of "peri menopausal" hormonal fluctuations. (I know a lot of my feminist friends will cringe that I'm asking this, but if she's truly acting out of character it is ONE thing I'd want to know.

Also, not to freak you out, but about 12 years ago my bil began to act weird and "goofy". He'd tell very inappropriate jokes in public and got VERY emotional out of nowhere.

He'd lose his temper too, which was out of character. This went on for a few months and my sister talked about going to MC, which he refused to do. She then talked privately, of leaving him for awhile...but then he had a full on seizure and it turned out that he had a brain tumor. (Turns out 20% of brain tumor patients show up for "psychiatric reasons").

Anyhow, yes, in time it killed him. Although it was a lousy thing to watch him realize what had been happening and to be able to do so little about it, I know it made it easier for my sister to stand by him thru all the surgeries and radiation and chemo.

He volunteered for a new clinical trial, and lived longer & better with that type of tumor than anyone had before. He was a very good man, who passed away a few years ago.

So whenever someone tells me that their spouse is "acting SO differently", I at least pose the question of something physical being a factor. Hope you can see why.

FWIW, when my h had whatever his "episode" was, I asked him to get a CAT scan b/c he was behaving so differently than he had the previous 25 years. And b/c we had both seen BIL behave differently for a crap but real reason, h admitted he had ALREADY spoken to a shrink about it. (So I guess HE wondered too, and that counted as "checking on it").

ANYHOW, Those "nice and strong" men may not always remain married to their wives,

but it is the Nice/Strong men who end up being the most content & most satisfied with their lives.

They're the ones who can hold their heads up, b/c they know that when life got very hard, when it was so very difficult and oh so painful to take a step forward,

they still gave it their best.

If you are half the man you sound like you are, you will be loved and lovable, again.

Remember that your kids are watching you, more than you know. So you must show them a man of compassion, strength, honor and self respect.

Show them how to get thru a heartbreak with dignity. Show them that your pain is deep but not "fatal" and Not eternal.

You WILL be happy again.

Know that someday each of your children will face their own setback or betrayal. Show them how one gets to the other side.

And in time, forgive your wife. Not for her sake, but for your sake.

And yes, it's a hell of a lot easier said, than done. But it IS a gift you give yourself.

Here is what I reminded myself of, when I fought the forgiveness concept--

"Holding onto anger to hurt someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

to get smoke in their eyes..."



Once you know you've done the most you can do for as long as you can, then turn it over to God,

and be at peace.

Good luck, we are all rooting for you.