I feel like I'm pushing him away. Because I don't want him in my way while I figure this out. Kinda MLC of me, isn't it....
Earlier, I put being with him up there sooooo high, I would do whatever it took to see him.
Now, I feel like saying, "you don't get to see me right now."
Maybe I want to punish him. Or is it resentment? I know he hurts, he struggles. He's in a world of crazy and he's scared. And I feel bad about that.
But, I hurt, too. I didn't ask for any of this. I feel I'm close to accepting what I have today. But then I'll feel a pop of anger or sadness, yet. All the unknowns. All the changes. It's an adjustment.
And I'm really lonely.
I have forgiven him for much already. I will need to continue to do more, forever. For my sake. Regardless of any 'us'. I am not a grudge holder, and I'm not a scorekeeper. I don't save up and throw in faces later. I can, and will, be able to let it all go.
Since he has the boys' stuff, if I say no, I would feel really guilty. I want them to have their cards and money, of course. I don't want to make this into some game.
I agree, Mach. I want to actually BE busy. I grew up as a "burning the candle at both ends" kinda kid.... I liked that.
I'm trying to gain some type of "traction" and just get out. It isn't always easy, or doable with the kids' activities. They really aren't super-booked, like I was growing up, or like most kids now.
In other words, yes, I could do more than I am. Guilt? Fear? Money? Idk.
I catch myself wanting to GAL....then finding excuses to not. I need to change that conversation, huh....
Dont say I didnt warn you about these two boys....especially that Mach guy. Now dont get me wrong, I enjoy cryptic....but I did have to buy myself a cryptometer when dealing with him. Just sayin..
And Mach.......I aint scardt...:)
Yes, I am personal friends with both of them...God help me. LOL!
So, we all walk this in our own way. No right or wrong way to do it, only your way.
Take what you need or like, leave the rest.
For me, it best to just feel whatever I was feeling. Sometimes I figured out what it was, sometimes I couldnt identify it. But I let myself feel that way for a time. I figured I needed to in order to let it go eventually.
You will go through the stages of grief...anger, sadness, etc. Not always in a straight line and then come back and through them again before acceptance. You are still really early into this.
Anger can be used to propel you forward. Sadness could be used to look within. The thing I learned is that you dont want to live in any of those feelings. The hope is that eventually, they wash over you and are let go.
So, if you dont want to see him, dont. You matter, too, Shining. Your feelings, they all count.
I wouldnt worry too much about forgiveness right now. That will come later. I have no doubt it will for you.
I was right there with you about GAL. Still am sometimes, if I am honest. But you do have to try to push through that some for the time being. It doesnt have to be this big committment. Just something to get you out among people for a bit.
I like that you are seeing yourself a bit differently. I can feel that.
Kml, I live in an apartment with a security gate, so he can't get to my front door (that's always a good thing).
He could drop it off at the main office, but since it's birthday cards with cash, I wouldn't want to risk that. Not that we live in a crime-ridden ghetto, but you just never know what people will do when tempted....well, NOW I do.
uR.....LOL..... I know who to stand behind whilst I learn the art of cryptonics:).
Besides, Mach....you should know, I only stared at the clock while not responding to the text..... For 3 hours, 12 minutes and 36 seconds, so it's not as bad.
Yeah, uR....God help you with them!! I can see where you do hold your own, VERY well. I need to get me some o'that Brooklyn stuff.....
I'm still learning what is best for me, with regards to the feelings. I completely agree, not to live there. The anger one is a strange thing, tho.... I've done the scream-cry, and learning the calm releasing....
I've never been good at holding onto anger. Or, maybe I do, but I don't use it or show it....idk. I don't think so, tho. I rarely feel it in regular day-to day life. I'm no Pollyanna....lol. Even when I was little, and up to now, I just don't spend much time in anger.
I have actually been told this many times by my mother....that I need to "stay mad". And "why aren't you even mad?" This has been since I can remember existing. Hmmmm.
The stages of grief....oh, how I wish I wasn't really early into this. But I'm seeing that as my reality, more and more.
The GAL?? That's a b!tch for me. I just don't want to. (Defiant child warning).
I don't want to commit to a class yet. But I may later. I don't go to bars. I don't want to waste money on anything, so I go walking. But that's not social, so it only helps some.
I wish there was a gathering place for people to socially exchange jokes and sarcasm.....
Yea, they give me a hard time, but, they love their UR. .
I can hold my own. All five feet of me. Some of that is Brooklyn, some of it was hard work. I lost me for a long, long time. But I'm baaaaacccckkk. LOL!
I dont stay angry either. Used to drive my mother and my xh crazy. It just never served me well. It was a waste of energy, I felt and still feel.
So, maybe that's not good. Who knows? It works for me and that's what matters.
I did have a period of anger over all of this. It came and went til I figured it out and worked through it.
I get the wishing you werent still early into this. Like you want to be done already and out the other side. Doesnt work that way. I know you know this.
The GAL was really hard for me. I wasnt as good at it as I should have been or still need to be.
I dont go to bars either. My friends all didnt want to catch the divorce cooties from me.
I did take some classes. I went places and struck up conversations with people when I could. That was a hard one for me at the time. Went to the movies with a friend or out to dinner. As I said, it can be as complicated or as simple as you want it to be. The idea is to just get out there.
.