I'm the LD in my R. I've just received and read through most of the SSM.
At first, I have to admit, that I was pissed. It seemed to me that all the 'solutions' are there to make the LD spouse(me) more like the HD spouse (him). But then I kept reading and saw some of the solutions for the HD spouse.
The mistake I made was that I spoke with him last night about some of those solutions, instead of waiting for him to read the book. The one I like is 'back off' and we kind of got into being defensive and ended the convo, not on a great note. I was trying to explain that 'backing off' w/out expectation vs backing off with hopes that i'll jump him are two very different animals! I need to be patient and wait for him to read the book.
Anyway...how can I assure him that it is not HIM that I am rejecting, but the sex itself? I understand that when I turn him down, it cuts like a knife into his ego/self esteem, but I need for him to understand that I do love him very much and I'm just not in a sexual mood.
I do give him massages, and caress him...in my opinion we are very intimate...stealing kisses, winking across the room, a caress as we pass in the hall or kitchen, etc. But I don't want every touch to turn into a sex session. Yes, I have expressed this to him, and he seems to hear it...until the next time I caress him or what-have-you.
The other issue I have with having sex with him is that it takes soooo long for him to finish. Some of that is due to his ED (which we use meds for) and some is just him 'enjoying the moment' and purposely making it 'last longer.' I don't want to ML for hours on end!
Anyway...I'm here as I do not wish for sex to be the demise of my marriage. We've been together 13 years and were just married last year. We are going to a MC and we do have pretty open/honest communication (although he tends to interupt and speak over me .. but that's a whole other issue).
a little about me/my signature...I have birthed no children of my own, however still have a fabulous and close relationship with my ex husband's daughter (xsd in sig). My present husband has two daughters, one has two daughters herself (which makes me a grandmother! awesome!) and his eldest daughter, sadly, had a still born baby girl this past June. Her and I are very close and I spent a couple weeks w/her over the summer to assist her thru grieving and healing (we damned near lost her too). His youngest and I get along when she wants to. Their mother is incapable of being in their lives. Sad, but true. I am honored to be the Bonus Mom to all three of these girls.
so that's me and my sitch...any words of wisdom (or just words) are greatly appreciated!
