What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

Hey 24 thanks for dropping in again, I fear I miss lead you and chose my words poorly. I am not overbearing and never have been, I'm quite the opposite and always allowed W a very long leash. I believe the word I was looking for was pursuing or smothering. I am also not loud or a yeller and never have been, through this entire thing I have never even raised my voice. I've always been calm and supportive to her wishes, I did try and convince her to stay a few times and it's always set me back. As for dependability I would avoid going to things with her friends, I never discouraged her from going but I would often rather not. I'm not sure how to 180 that as I'm sure she wont be inviting me anywhere any time soon.

When she would get emotional I would often try and fix the problem or tell her not to worry everything would be fine or not to cry over things she couldn't fix, occasionally I would just ignore it and leave her to work it out herself. All I had to do was tell her it was ok to cry and just to let it out, as someone who doesn't cry and has always viewed it unfavourably I never understood why someone would want to cry.


Actually "when she would get emotional", you did NOT try to fix it so much as you left and went for a run.

I just read thru your whole thread (and the others you started). When your wife would break down in tears, You repeatedly told your her that you'd "Be there for her IF she wanted..." and then you'd LEAVE, "for a run"...

So she'd have to seek you out, or run after you to make it crystal clear she wanted support.
To offer support and then leave the area, is NOT to offer support.

Do you get that?

I think showing you her emotions makes you very uncomfortable. Maybe that's something you can discuss with your IC.

And for those times you did offer a "solution", but "all she wanted was to cry", don't be so sure she hoped for nothing from you.

Lots of times we simply want to be listened to and or held/comforted.

And or to be reassured that we're loved, valued, all will be well, etc.

(Not saying to tell her you love her when she files for divorce, but during the marriage, and when she was sad about things other than you).


Also, when you did offer a solution, here's how it MIGHT have sounded to her:....

W: I am upset about 'X' at work...

H: "here is THE solution. Do 'Y'...And 'B' and etc"

(What the Wife heard...)

H: "Here's the obvious answer. Now stop talking about it b/c I fixed it. THE END"....

"Why are you STILL upset? I just fixed it for you, again!"



See how it "sounds" to the person who merely wants to be heard? She just got shut down!

----

I would like to work on a way to 180 my affection and dependability but I'm not sure how. She said we felt like roommates and not partners, that we didn't share any interests.

To me, ^^that sounds as if she did not feel deeply connected to you. And maybe the "roommates" statement was about a lack of passion. That is very likely to happen when one spouse takes up a "solo hobby" like video games, which require no emotional interactions or meaningful communication.

There's no "meaningful connection" going on. And given how you react to her showing real emotion, it sounds like the games were where you felt most comfortable...but she was lonely.


She is right that we stopped doing many things together that we used to but we still did quite a bit with family/friends and spent pretty much every night we were both home watching tv or going for a walk together.



First, most of what you still did, involved other people, not so much you guys as a couple, or alone together.

Second, when you went for walks, was there a lot of talking done?
How'd that make you feel and how did it seem to make her feel?

How do you view that now?


I would have liked to do more with her as she truly is my best friend but as mentioned I was saving for our second round of ivf.

Why is the IVF or money related to not doing much or connecting deeply as a couple? I'm confused. Are you saying what she "really" wanted was for you to spend a ton of money on her?




I want to be dependable that when she wants me to go somewhere I will just say yes instead of arguing.

Sounds good but why did you ever Not want to go? Was there a reason or were you just getting in a rut or were you depressed or what?

W has already said she is ok with selling, I'm the one who put the breaks on it for a bit as everything has moved too fast. As soon as I give the realtor the green light they will begin showing. I want to meet with her to see and talk to her and just let her know I'm ready to proceed (even though I'm not).

I don't know how to show someone I'm fully committed to them and spending my life trying to make them happy when they want nothing to do with me.

2 things to say here

First, don't spend your life "trying to make" anyone happy but yourself. You cannot make another person happy and no one can "make" you happy either.

We are all responsible for our own happiness, and we cannot expect another person to get us there.

You also have to stop asking for guarantees, which never existed in the first place and which don't exist anywhere in real life.

Secondly, you've repeatedly said you can't think of a reason she'd pick YOU over any OM. Why is that?

Why did she marry you in the first place? Who was the man she fell in love with?

Can you go get HIM? Can you be him again, or is that not feasible or desirable?

If not, why not?

And just so I'm sure, you did read at least one of the DB books the whole way through, right?

How is the IC going? And your GAL? The GAL will help you detach and be less needy.

Hopefully the GAL activities are teaching you valuable things and you are getting TOOLS for life that you want. I'd hope your GAL is at least in part, doing things that will aid you in showing more emotions.

Such as anything that gets you talking about something (well, about something other than a game or other "emotion free" topic).

Okay......also Don't forget that I've had family members go all the way thru divorcing - only to remarry their former spouses a few years later.

Also, a third of the divorces filed in this state are never completed. Some of those uncompleted divorces, surely, reconciled.

There's still hope. Til she walks down the aisle and then has a baby with OM, I'd say there probably still is.