This is terrifying - I hope you understand

[Shakspr]

I will try to answer the question objectively.

Bottom line answer: Clearly I haven't changed enough.

Only question you asked with a real answer is the funds for elective surgery would have been borrowed against home equity. I think that would have required a joint decision, and it's one I agreed to without hesitation before I knew there was a BD coming. Only reason I brought it up is that one of her complaints is the I "always count the cost" and never consider her wants/needs first instead of just saying no. Now, of course, the point is moot. She took those funds out of the line of credit as an emergency fund in case I flipped out on her after BD. I didn't, any more than any of us have. She is keeping those funds as her half of the equity we had in the home, so no settlement/buyout needed.

I am too obsessed with the D event/day itself, though I try to pretend it's just a date.

I would probably be doing better (but not great) if the kids were out of the house/older. This will affect them profoundly and it clouds my vision and affects my actions.

I fall into old patterns of disagreement (validating has been added) because I believe what she is DOING right now is wrong, and I want to prevent/stop it. All this while realizing, intellectually, that there is nothing I can do to prevent/stop it.

So, how have I changed?

I do listen now. I clearly don't know what to do or how to do it when I do.

I am not being petty or vindictive about things/stuff/material goods (with a notable exception last week when our joint account was overdrawn.) I do ask for some financial predictability and agreement before making non-food/clothing/bill payments.

I listen first, thoroughly, before I respond or make a decision. Those responses and decisions still suck, and are further compounded by grief/pain. I need work in this area.

I initiated action without prompting to get some of the recommended books on co-parenting (she had mentioned this as a future need weeks ago). She appreciated that, but didn't seem interested & expressed "no time" for that and told me to come up with a plan and she would take a look at it.

That's about it.