Newbie Error- LRT too Soon- help!

[Bart42]

Since you won't stop seeing the OM and keep lying to me about it, then I AM DIVORCING YOU.... and then file and do it..confident, strong, firm, decisive (things women on here keep telling us they can't resist in a man.. right?)..... Isn't that really the boundary when you get down to it?

Thanks, Justin- strong words to be sure but I do see the lure. The flip side as I see it is the whole DB mantra of giving a WAW time to come out of the fog, one month per year of marriage for changes to be “believed” and that many men rush into divorce too soon. I see your post as more “Love Must Be Tough” than “Divorce Remedy”- and yours may be the correct course, just noting the differences. The other component is trying to lay down boundaries that are short of "I want a Divorce."

In my case (forgive the mindreading) I agree with you that deep down W knows the 30 year old party boy OM isn’t her long term answer, but she isn’t thinking long term and is addicted to him and the excitement of the A. She’s been asking OM to leave GF for months and (surprise!) it hasn’t happened yet.

W called again today (before I read your post) again wanting to delay so she can find some way to prove to me the A is over- I steered the conversation away from “stop lying, end the A and work with me on the M” to a statement that any relationship must be based on respect and trust and that continuing to disrespect me and our M and perpetuating lies isn’t a foundation I can build a relationship on. I see this more as a boundary than a demand, and for the record I have never demanded transparency, remorse, etc.- I would only address those things if and when I believed she has made a firm commitment to leave OM and try to save the M but never before- otherwise I agree they are hollow demands.

Divorce is going to be complicated given intermingled finances, kids, crazy kids schedules, etc., so I’m already thinking that my ask for mediation is going to be a separation plan where the purpose isn’t to give us time to think but is instead to provide the basis for an amicable divorce. I know W will not go for that, which will likely lead to a stalemate for a few weeks while I get details squared away with a lawyer, but I’m doing all I can to keep this civil and avoid a damaging legal battle.