Basically when I rehearse I only rehearse worse case scenario to help me control my behavior. If things go smoothly, then I'm prepared for that as well but I need to rehearse my response to his negativity, perceived attacks, sharp tongue and blaming.
Basically my rehearsal is more self talk of calming myself to respond appropriately. So I guess it's more of a pep talk to remind myself of my tools and to remind myself to use them when I feel like I can't breathe, my heart starts to pound, my tongue turns into a razor blade and my palms start to sweat. These are all signs to me that I'm getting worked up and about to strike and it's in this moment that I struggle most with stepping down and listening, empathizing, validating, etc.
Does that make sense, labug? It's not planning out the scenario for me, it's more rehearsing MY reaction when my body goes into fight or flight mode.
Claire, I have RBF (resting bitch face), too, but ONLY when around H. I also wear my thoughts on my face which has always served me poorly when playing poker. Facial expression if HUGE for me, too. I can say, "I understand" or "That must be really hard" but my face says, "really? this is an issue for you? could you be more of a child?"
rppfl you can make him aware that his razor mouth sets you off.
Not if he won't admit that he has one.
Other people recognize it, including his parents, sister, and children. Just not him. It's me who has the character flaw for snapping, he was just innocently and politely expressing his preferences.
Claire, I have RBF (resting bitch face), too, but ONLY when around H. I also wear my thoughts on my face which has always served me poorly when playing poker. Facial expression if HUGE for me, too. I can say, "I understand" or "That must be really hard" but my face says, "really? this is an issue for you? could you be more of a child?"
Gotta stop that NOW!
We share the same affliction.
You can do this! and when you get to a better place with H you can have a talk about it. I have with my H and now he gets it.
But I also had to work diligently on taking each conversation at face value and not dragging my story into it. I created much of my own unhappiness.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Basically when I rehearse I only rehearse worse case scenario to help me control my behavior. If things go smoothly, then I'm prepared for that as well but I need to rehearse my response to his negativity, perceived attacks, sharp tongue and blaming.
Basically my rehearsal is more self talk of calming myself to respond appropriately. So I guess it's more of a pep talk to remind myself of my tools and to remind myself to use them when I feel like I can't breathe, my heart starts to pound, my tongue turns into a razor blade and my palms start to sweat. These are all signs to me that I'm getting worked up and about to strike and it's in this moment that I struggle most with stepping down and listening, empathizing, validating, etc.
Does that make sense, labug? It's not planning out the scenario for me, it's more rehearsing MY reaction when my body goes into fight or flight mode.
Yes, it makes sense. You're afraid of losing control of the conversation. I would work on just listening right now, the empathizing and validating can come later. Baby steps.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I love these conversations about resting bitch face. Too funny!
It's interesting for me to read these discussions about new ways to communicate with your spouses to improve the relationship in the future. What's weird is that I am jealous! I read about these struggles to improve and I wish I could identify. It makes me realize there is really little to nothing I can change about myself that would help my communication with my WAH. We never really fought and I have resting happy face... haha. He said I was too nice, too complimentary and too easy to get along with...?!
Not to say I cannot improve myself or my communication skills - quite the opposite indeed. It just wasn't a problem with my H.
The potential to change and make yourself a better person and communicator should really fill you all with hope for the future!
But I also had to work diligently on taking each conversation at face value and not dragging my story into it.
Oh, labug, how often you enlighten me. I did this very thing with D16 last night. She made what she probably thought was a simple request and I made it fit into a whole backstory, although I didn't realize it at the time. Sometimes her mouth is just sooooo similar to her dad's that I react poorly. After I read this, I sent her an apology text. Thank you. The next step is recognizing it before I need to apologize......
