Hey Matt, When I was cleaning and sorting stbxw's years of almost hoarding, I found myself getting angry again, because she didn't HAVE to just take what she wanted, she could help, she is just a few miles away with no responsibility, etc.

That anger was not helping me, at all. I was getting short with the kids, and getting less done.

I had to change MY mindset or I was not going to be who I wanted to be...

She wasnt and isnt going to help, THAT was reality...

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Matt and Mighty, some realizations came to me since June, granted I've had 3 years (BD #1 anniversary this month) to come to terms with the possible loss of my M, these still came fast and hard, because though I don't easily quit, once I do get to the point of futility, I drop the rope fast and hard. Here is what came to me:

She's gone.

I need to heal, I have kids full time, work 40-60 hours a week, I am taxi and school bus service, and I have a disaster of a house to remedy, etc... Like the Van Halen line from the song "Ain't Talking About Love" goes... "I got no time to mess around..."

I had to see my life without her, hard as that was.

My healing has nothing to do with her anymore.

Nothing she can do or say is going to change how I feel. It's about me.

It's up to ME.

So I re-framed this into "as if" she died.

Absolutely no chance of reconciliation, her changing her mind, etc.

How does that change how I feel?

How does that change MY ACTIONS in recovering, healing myself and my kids, getting to the needful?

Life is for the living, and my kids and I are far too blessed to be waiting around for a ghost to maybe re-appear and be re-incorporate, meanwhile life passes by.

That mindset change gave me strength and determination to do the right things for my sons and myself. To tackle the hoarders hoard, organize, super-clean, create the NEW normal in a positive, healthy way. My kids deserved it, and it was completely up to ME to make it happen.


Changing my mindset ^^^ helped me be better, how could I be blaming her for not helping if she had "died"? How could I be so angry at her if she had "died", it wasn't her fault...Ya know?

Last edited by TSquared2; 09/23/14 04:42 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm