WAW...Again, Part III

[stumps]

I've been reflecting a lot upon our first MC session. W made a point of noting during it that she didn't believe anything was going to change her mind, but that she was there because she had reluctantly agreed that if there was the slimmest chance MC would change anything then she "supposed it was worth it."

W's "homework" for our next session is to compose a list of all of my transgressions during the course of the marriage...all of the things that she was hurt by, angry about, and resentful over so that she could communicate them to me. I gather this is because there is a lengthy list of items, some of which I'm aware of but some I am undoubtedly not, and one of W's issues is having bottled all of this stuff up until it metastasized. W said in the session she doesn't allow herself to feel anger and instead bottles it all up, and I read a great description from one of the vets here on the boards about what happens when a person does that.

Absent in this first MC session was any discussion of the things that W had done that I was hurt by/resentful over. Certainly didn't seem the right time to start addressing that. I'm not sure what the right time for that will be--if there really will be a right time at all...my tact has been to let go of the past and focus on our present behavior. At the very least I think it would be wise for the time being to focus on W's "complaints". I certainly don't want to get into any tit-for-tat type of disagreements. So I primarily listened to and validated what W had to say, and owned my "stuff". W did admit to contributing to our problems by being conflict-avoidant and not letting me know how hurt/angry she was by any given thing that I did. But man... she was bringing up stuff from like 10 years ago that I thought we had addressed and put to bed.

It's weird though, the nature of the wall W has built up around her. As I've mentioned numerous times, she went from being sure we were on the path to reconciliation to being sure we're completely done and that nothing will change her mind...and yet...she will still come to me and ask me for comfort... Two or three times yesterday evening she asked me to come hug her, she wanted me to massage her when we went to bed. I don't know if that's some form of cake-eating, or if she's just getting what she can while she still can, or if I'm just not fully understanding whatever battle she might be fighting in her head.