yes, yes, yes. It's good to hear that I'm not alone in my reactivity. It's not something I like about myself though I'll admit, I always felt it was justified (if he wouldn't attack me, I wouldn't react!). Little did I know that I, in part, provoke the "attack" by my constant defensiveness, offensiveness, black and white thinking, ignoring his feelings or failing to recognize that he even HAS feelings at all.
Claire, I'm starting to rehearse possible interactions and responses (my daughter definitely thinks I'm a nut, she asks me a lot in the car, "mom, who are you whispering to?"). I know my first step is to get to a place where I can say "let me think a minute" or "let me get back to you" because right now I'm not even there yet. The words just come flying out of my mouth before I can even think about catching them let alone taking a time out.
Plus, I've noticed that my fight or flight response is so intense in these moments that the ONLY clear thought in my head is my defensive or attacking thought. Everything else is foggy and in that moment I'm not sure I could even tell you what we were are arguing about. I'm only now realizing how much of the last 12 years has been mentally foggy because my brain thinks I'm fighting a saber tooth tiger when all H said was "is it ok if I come to the party?".
I've always blamed H for being negative (and he is, very) but my instinctual response is to blame and attack which makes me think that I don't automatically assume the best or even neutral... I just assume he's attacking me or blaming me so I shoot back so fast it'd make anyone's head spin.
Taking things at face value, Claire, is my new motto. My excessive mind reading and over thinking has only proven to get me in trouble and they are always wrong. I'm stopping that. Face value is where it's at.
Thanks for all of your help. I can take baby steps on my own but with all of your help I keep a better pace on my path and I like that.
