Just a silly little ramble for the day. Because I'm having one of those days!
Why is it, maybe in my situation only that I haven't gotten papers brought to me. If the wife wanted another life why doesn't she just start it. I know the pain I'm in hurts so much. So I can't imagine that it's that much different for her. But she is the one that wanted to leave. So you would think that it's probably just a little less than mine. Plus she has some one. That fills that void. Trust me friends and family are great. But nothing like holding some one that you love. Just hurting a lot today. And not seeing any positives!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
3kids, hang in there. I don't blame you one bit for having those thoughts, but don't dwell on them too much! Who knows why she is delaying. Maybe she is having problems with OM, maybe she is scared of that (seeming) finality of the next step, maybe she's just lazy. Who knows?? You won't figure it out and will drive yourself crazy trying. So stick with PM's post above. How are your kids doing?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I know what you mean when you say your W "knows" you do not want her to move back and continue the A. However, it is important, I believe, that you state your boundary to your W. Remember, boundaries are not you issuing ultimatums to her. It isn't enough to state your boundary, but you must be prepared to back it up. So......know "now" what you will do "then" if she doesn't honor your boundary. Marching around and crowing about boundaries is useless when/if it's all talk. And....don't assume she knows and will honor unspoken boundaries. She may see moving back with different ground rule.
A man can lead his family honorably. He can try to help his W with her health issues. He can continue to provide and protect her to the best of his ability.....as long as she is living with him in the same home. If she removes herself from the home.....it limits his protection, and sometimes the provision. This can be done from a position of love, integrity, strength, respect, personal values & belief system.
Quote:
It's a hard line between keeping the road paved easy and not controlling you spouse and your own feelings. Not being a dormat. If she wanted to come back at all.
This seems to be a shared problem with LBH'S. Perhaps I should ask how you "see" keeping the road paved smoothly. The way I see it could be completely different from yours.
I have seen LBH'S jump from LRT to keeping the road paved smoothly (or their idea of it).......and then back to LRT. (Based on their own words/posts.) I think they hear this and want to see a response from the W.......and if it doesn't happen, they get fed up and say they are LRT again.
IMO, some may cause matters to be a little worse b/c they "act" before really understanding. For example, they pursue or become a doormat......thinking that is making the road back easy for her. Neither of pursuit or doormat type behavior is what keeping the road paved smooth means. However, as I understand, this was advice a DB coach gave 25yrs during her stitch. So, I really should let her explain in more detail.
I encourage several newcomers to do a lot of soul searching and deep thinking about what is most important, what kind of man they want to be, etc. ( I know 25yrs also talks along these same lines. ) If you don't know who you are or what kind man you need to be.......and think before over reacting to anyone's advice, then you will be getting in a deeper mess.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You may have hit on my dilemma. could you peak at my sitch again maybe?
Sorry for the hijack
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Yes, figure out who YOU want to be. Diligently work on becoming that person and don't let anyONE or anyTHING get in your way.
You must be true to yourSELF first. The rest will follow.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Well I love the 5 love languages, a must have book. I found out yes I am a man but physical touch is mine. Which is terrible for me because I miss that a lot with my wife. But I still have my kids and yes they get more hugs then ever now. And they love it.
I figure that the OM must be back in town because I haven't gotten a call in the last couple of days. Oh well.
Seen the SIL last night. Great conversation with her. She says that she misses me and her husband constantly brings me up(wife brother). I miss him a lot and am going to make it a goal to call him more and try to do stuff with him. He was one of my closes friends. She brought up the sich. Said its weird because the wife still has not brought OM around any of the family. Just the kids. And BIL walks away when ever OM gets brought up in conversation. Made me feel good.
Found because of the book that my wife is quality time. I think more with conversation. What are some great books on this. I think I've lost a lot of conversation skills. With my entire life, I spend most of my days at work in front of a computer. So I would really like to work on this.
Is there a way to work on this with the wife or not.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Ok you all big problem in my eyes. I think I'm done. Picked the kids up today from school and yep just what I thought. OM is home. He spent the night in my old house and I can't take that. I want to call and scream at the wife to get the $&@@ out of the house right now. I did not offer the house to her for them to live in. Just her. She even has him driving my kids to high school sporting events.
I know I can't scream at her. But what is the correct course of action. Where is PM when I need it.
Please please please help going out of my mind!!!!!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Sorry to hear this 3kids. I have no answer for you regarding the the OM staying at your old house. However, you have every right in the world to approach your W about the OM driving your kids to school sporting events.
Seems like you have a lot of anger right now. When I feel this way I take a drive to a secluded spot and then I yell and scream everything I want to say "at" my W. Cuss words and all. I mean I really let it rip. Release that anger. After that I feel much more calm and I am able to carry out a civil conversation.
I hope that helps.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
