ganb8te, that's another great look at it. I think the challenge for most conflicted marriages, though, is that if you do start using techniques like that, it will be extra challenging because the other person is probably not being that reasonable. If you can get to a point where you both pursue that communication, that's when things could really change.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It's not just the ladies. I struggle with being a reactive communicator too.
Thanks for the tip on the book.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
We're all stupid and annoying to someone, somewhere.
I think the reaction comes from being afraid of just that, we aren't as perfect as we think we should be (we each have to figure where that came from on our own) so we lash out at those who trigger that fear in us.
Usually those who trigger us share a trait that we don't like in ourselves. When we begin to recognize and accept our shortcomings we can accept the same in others.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We're all stupid and annoying to someone, somewhere.
I think the reaction comes from being afraid of just that, we aren't as perfect as we think we should be (we each have to figure where that came from on our own) so we lash out at those who trigger that fear in us.
Usually those who trigger us share a trait that we don't like in ourselves. When we begin to recognize and accept our shortcomings we can accept the same in others.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug-- I just figured it was such an important sentiment that we all needed to read it twice!
I've realized that I definitely trigger stuff for my H...and of course he triggers stuff for me.
Ss... I am not as good of a composed thinker on my feet, while my WAH was a successful debater back in HS. So, I've learned to rehearse possible interactions and responses (sometimes while walking home which I'm sure makes me look like a nut), sometimes by writing a draft. And I try to avoid on the spot in person conversations, OR, if I have to, to slow the pace of it down by very calmly saying, hmmm, let me think a minute. Or... "I'm not sure, I'll need to think that through and get back to you".
Taking things at face value has also helped, which is something you seem to need to work on, too. That way, a question like, "is it ok if I come to the party" can be answered simply instead of turning into a bigger discussion of something else entirely.
yes, yes, yes. It's good to hear that I'm not alone in my reactivity. It's not something I like about myself though I'll admit, I always felt it was justified (if he wouldn't attack me, I wouldn't react!). Little did I know that I, in part, provoke the "attack" by my constant defensiveness, offensiveness, black and white thinking, ignoring his feelings or failing to recognize that he even HAS feelings at all.
Claire, I'm starting to rehearse possible interactions and responses (my daughter definitely thinks I'm a nut, she asks me a lot in the car, "mom, who are you whispering to?"). I know my first step is to get to a place where I can say "let me think a minute" or "let me get back to you" because right now I'm not even there yet. The words just come flying out of my mouth before I can even think about catching them let alone taking a time out.
Plus, I've noticed that my fight or flight response is so intense in these moments that the ONLY clear thought in my head is my defensive or attacking thought. Everything else is foggy and in that moment I'm not sure I could even tell you what we were are arguing about. I'm only now realizing how much of the last 12 years has been mentally foggy because my brain thinks I'm fighting a saber tooth tiger when all H said was "is it ok if I come to the party?".
I've always blamed H for being negative (and he is, very) but my instinctual response is to blame and attack which makes me think that I don't automatically assume the best or even neutral... I just assume he's attacking me or blaming me so I shoot back so fast it'd make anyone's head spin.
Taking things at face value, Claire, is my new motto. My excessive mind reading and over thinking has only proven to get me in trouble and they are always wrong. I'm stopping that. Face value is where it's at.
Thanks for all of your help. I can take baby steps on my own but with all of your help I keep a better pace on my path and I like that.
Just a thought and Claire, this may work well for you but for me it was something that was toxic. A defense mechanism from the past that I had to jettison. "I'm starting to rehearse possible interactions and responses (my daughter definitely thinks I'm a nut, she asks me a lot in the car, "mom, who are you whispering to?"). I know my first step is to get to a place where I can say "let me think a minute" or "let me get back to you" because right now I'm not even there yet. The words just come flying out of my mouth before I can even think about catching them let alone taking a time out. " So what do you do when the conversation doesn't go the way you rehearsed? I have a feeling this relates to your fear-based prickly responses.
What if I don't know the answer? I won't say the right thing. I'll sound stupid. Someone will get the better of me. Everything hinges on this one conversation.
Does any of this ring a bell for you, Ss?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's good to hear that I'm not alone in my reactivity. It's not something I like about myself though I'll admit, I always felt it was justified (if he wouldn't attack me, I wouldn't react!). Little did I know that I, in part, provoke the "attack" by my constant defensiveness, offensiveness, black and white thinking, ignoring his feelings or failing to recognize that he even HAS feelings at all.
You are definitely not alone. I struggle with this, too. H has a mouth like a razor and I felt justified in snapping at him occasionally. I was always frustrated that he never saw his role in it. But, now I realize that I can only control ME, right? I'm working on it. I read a book about listening this summer, that has helped some, but it's still an inner struggle not to snap sometimes.
Benefit of the doubt was a huge complaint my H had about me. A question like "have you done X yet?" sounded to me like a major judgment and criticism, instead of him just simply trying to check things off our shared checklist.
So I am working on that.
Labug-- I get what you are saying. For me, it's not so much about the conversation needing to go a certain way, but more like me just thinking through some phrases or even facial expressions (I practice smiling since I tend to have a b!tchy resting face!), and gain in confidence that I can hold my end of a tough conversation without taking any bait or getting defensive.
