I admit that I feel like I'm running out of steam. I sort of reverse-BDed on my H on Friday. I just cannot get past the idea that he thinks my needs are optional, and I don't know how I'll have any respect for him or for myself if I allow the relationship to continue under that principle.
If the board had been working, I would have posted here and you all would have (hopefully) talked me out of it.
At any rate, I said what needed to be said. I fully expected him to tell me that he couldn't do what I was asking and that would be that, from my end. Instead, he told me that he thinks there's been a bit of a semantic misunderstanding and admitted that that's because he actively discourages me from asking clarifying questions. (Although we didn't actually clarify the misunderstanding yet -- grr.) He held my hand during the conversation and, at my request, he came over after D7 went to bed and held me for a while and said some encouraging things.
However, there's still a lot left to be desired. He met me where I was emotionally on Friday, but what I really need is some kind of verbal commitment to the idea that that's what we should be doing for each other -- even if we can't do it consistently right now (or ever).
When I first told him how I was feeling, he asked me not to make any rash decisions and to wait until our MC session this coming Friday. I agreed to that. He also said that he doesn't want me to give up but he will respect my decision if I do. What I wanted to say but didn't: No, that's the wrong thing to say -- you're supposed to fight for me, you idiot! But honestly, I think sometimes that he WANTS me to pull the plug so that he doesn't have to be the "bad guy."
Ugh, I am so torn. He didn't do what I asked, but he did do something positive. He told me that he doesn't want me to feel like I have to follow through just because I gave him an "ultimatum" -- is that a sign that he is sincere when he says he's not ready to give up?
The next day at kid exchange he just acted like business as usual. We talked on the phone later that night and clarified some things (but not The Thing).
I am so tired of this. I want my M back, but I am so tired.
