I am very sorry about what you had to deal w/today. Signing papers and doing walk thrus are difficult especially when a marriage is on rocky grounds at the time.
Your h has a long ways to go and until he figures himself out, he'll remain lost and the numbness he's feeling is all part of the depression. I do hope and pray that he will find someone who can help him better understand what he's experiencing and get the proper meds to help him.
Tomorrow is a new day and may it be a better one for you.
Reply from uRworthy:
I'm so sorry about the house, S. It's a hard thing.
You did really well.
And the cinnamon buns in the oven? Oh man, I would have been hysterical. They lose their sense of humor in all of this.
Take a little time to process this part. When you are ready, let the feelings wash over you.
I know it's sad to see him as he is now. But, one day he will hopefully come out the other side. There is always that hope.
You really are doing great, my friend.
Now me:
Thank you, job, uR. I'm in a good place, emotionally. I'm getting clearer on what I need to do for myself and my kids. I'm still standing. I still believe in this. And I still love him. Whether he ever realizes what he could have or not, time will tell.
Just journaling, other MLC behavioral stuff I'm just now remembering from last night:
H startles very easily...he never did before. Twice, I walked in and he nearly jumped out of his shoes. Anxious, perhaps.
In the garage, with the "last pieces and stems" of things to load into H truck, I noticed on a shelf, there was a picture frame. I lifted it, as the photo was facing down. It was a collage frame of our wedding pictures. I knew H threw away a dumpster full of things. But, this? He kept.
As I lifted it, and before I knew what it was, I said to H, "there's a picture up here." And after I saw what it was, I just set it back down and walked into the house. H said, "yeah, I know." Later, I saw it in the back seat of the truck, face down again. As if he couldn't look at it. But he saved it for last.
Before anyone goes as gets all hopeful...not me, for sure.... There is another funny (well, it's funny to me) story about that wedding collage....
Remember discovery back in May of ow? Yeah.... As I emptied the house of my things in rage that day, I took every photo with me. But, I left that last wedding collage.....ever-so-passive-aggressively hanging on the wall, over the bed. (Not where it ever was before....). Oops.
But, it did surprise me that he didn't throw it out. Like he did our M. Oh, well.
At one point, H got confused, and couldn't figure out how to put a freezer shelf back in, and almost broke it in frustration. I caught myself almost offering to fix....wow. Yeah, I would have stepped in to fix in the old days. But, I didn't. I went upstairs to look through rooms. I heard him grumbling about it and getting angry....at the..... freezer.(?)...and talking to himself. "I'm going to figure this out. It just can't be this hard." Ooh that was a test for me. I passed. .
At another point, H was very scattered, and overwhelmed. After about 20 minutes, I decided to initiate a hug. I haven't done that in forever. It was short. I just said, very calmly, "I'm sorry you're frustrated. I'm sure you're tired. Moving is hard. We're almost done." It was the right thing to do at the time. And he got calm. Yes, too mothering, in hindsight, and in DB terms. But in that moment, it was more about my heart. It was what I needed to do.
He asked me, sheepishly....if I wanted to ride with him to drop things off at his apartment.
Now, here is where I'm weird. This may not make sense to some. But, sometimes, the "monster"in my imagination is far, far bigger and scarier than it is in real life. I had already thought about what I would do if I was invited. I wanted to see it, and crush that unknown monster.
And it worked. I looked around, and smiled, because I crushed the monster. . His place is newer, nicer, has far more "features" than my apartment. But, it wasn't awesome. I didn't care for it. I'm glad I went.
He kept saying he was embarrassed of the mess in his place....ummm, you're moving? He acted like he was trying to impress me as a guest. He said multiple times how he "isn't a big entertainer...." Odd things, I know. But I want to document, and I know here are several on this board who may be relating to these behaviors, too.
So, so, odd, tho.......I'm your wife. I went to see your new place, away from me. And you wanted to impress me with it....wtf? That's how it didn't even hurt. It was surreal.
He said he has already had several run-ins with management, because "they don't know what they're doing". People make him mad a lot. His key fob "didn't work" and it was the third one he had gotten from the office.... I watched him try to open his access door. He didn't put the fob in front of the sensor, he waved it elsewhere......sigh.....chalked that up to something he gets to learn on his own.
I'm sad, because this endeavor will be hard for him. But, I can see how much growing up he has to do. I love him enough to let him do that. I really do.
The glimpse into his new life, for me, was a great opportunity to see it ain't all fun and games, for sure. Everything is hard for him. It helps me understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.
