Ok, in keeping with the journaling of events and progress, here are a couple of posts that disappeared from the update last weekend:

Friday, September 19, 2014

House papers are all signed. I'm sad. At the same time, I don't want the house. I know this has to happen. I have accepted this, and so much more now.

I saw H last night, finishing last walk-through for house. I'm still processing. This board helps me do that...wow, it is a gift to have this, and you all.

I'm not 100% detached, but I will say, I am more awake to the reality of all this, than I have been since February. I was calm, patient, didn't let anything bother me, didn't pursue in any way. I didn't feel like it. I also felt more confident, and reminded myself often of things on my list. I was reminding myself that I'm ok regardless of any of these circumstances. Who I am, and my worth....those can't be taken away. I talked to myself in a much better way than I usually do. It made a huge difference.

Although I'm not detached, what I do fully "get" is how this MLC stuff is really, clearly, not about me. I'm not referring to general M problems that I contributed to, but the stuff going on inside H.

H is about to embark on his journey alone. And this day marks the day I can give him the space to do what he needs to do for himself.

So, I'm journaling my observations from last night. It feels more like a study on human behavior, than describing someone I married.

He is trying so hard to appear ok on the outside. It's quite heartbreaking to see, knowing the man he once was. Man, he's lost. And so confused. Forgetful. He is also negative in general. He is sometimes on the verge of tears, and at other times angry....he complains a lot.

H still has almost zero sense of humor....and he used to be such a cut-up. At one point, we were opening cabinets to make sure everything was out of the house. H opened the oven door, and there was a baking sheet with 5 cinnamon rolls stuck to a pan, (3 spots where some were eaten) that looked like it had been in there for weeks....hard as rocks!! We would have laughed our a$$es off about that in the past. H just threw the entire pan, buns and all, in the trash. H said it was his kids who left it...I'm thinking that was true, since H wouldn't bake stuff, then or now. To a normal person, it would be freaking funny.

I giggled....H shook his head. I said, "ok, it is obvious you are on a mission to get this done, but just for a second, do you see how funny at was?" H stopped, lowered the trash bag down at his side, and thought about it. He said, "yeah, it is very funny. It will be a funny story someday."

He started telling me about his meds, and he wants to try another AD. He said the same as before, he doesn't feel depressed, but he feels nothing. He is scared. He started crying, and left to use the bathroom.

He also told me he was trying to figure out some things from the suicide attempt that he couldn't remember. Things he texted to others that day (spew and nonsense, if you recall). He now wants to know, but during the hospital stay, his phone got locked, battery wore out, it wouldn't turn on, and essentially "died". He had to trade it for a replacement phone, and lost recent messages. I actually have the texts... And screenshots from texts to others. I told him this way back in March in MC. But, I chose not to say anything last night. It didn't seem to be the right time. I just let him talk and talk.

Throughout the night, H was easily agitated, impatient. But not at all at me. I didn't get spewed at once. In fact, he was very positive regarding me. He made many comments about my appearance, and how good I always was with X,Y, Z. He pointed out many things he had to do, and repeated (overly repeated) "I know it's not your problem" it was strange....like a broken record. He was in a kind of Rainman-mode....idk.

It didn't mean the same it used to, to hear those things. Before, that would have given me hope that, "OMG, he's coming around! SOON we can work this out, he still loves me". But, last night, it was just more "part of the process" in my mind. I can see him churning. My hopes are still very strong, but they have shifted.

It it also obvious to me, how far away he is. Even if he came to me today, wanting to work on our M, I would say not yet. Back in May, or even through August, I would have given anything in the world to be together. Not now. Later, I pray. But not now.

I'm starting to understand.... Really understand. He has a long way to come, and is not even close to being capable of any R. No matter who he dates, he is not ready. It would never last. He is struggling just to take care of himself and his dog. He has a tough road ahead. I'm staying out of the way.

The house signing today was not emotional, as I thought it would be. I'm sad now that I'm home and alone. But it was just business in that moment.

I do miss our old life, very much. I was able to honor that life last night, and have closure in my house. I'll process these feelings for a bit, I think. It's like coming home after a funeral.

Later today, it will be time to look ahead. I believe it will pick me up again to do so.