Well, I lost several posts during the update...I saved them, tho. I may repost later.
I spent the weekend fairly quiet. I read a TON, journaled, did some introspection, but I also made myself get out. <<<<< For the record, I did NOT feel like it. But I did it anyway. I wasn't in deep despair. Just lacking motivation. And still a bit sad.
I had training Saturday, then I took my D13 to the mall, and to a movie. I took all kids out to dinner on Sunday. Although I spent the rest of the time alone, we had a lot of laughs this past weekend. Much needed.
Since Friday, I have only heard from H a few times by text and word games. But it is getting darker. Much....much.....darker. .
I anticipated for a long time, that once the house closing happened, communication would become less and less. Especially after he was all moved into his apartment. I tried to prepare myself, and I'm glad it did ....well, as much as anyone could mentally prepare, I suppose. It's all still difficult to fully accept. But it's getting less difficult.
From my understanding of MLC (hahaha....right...."understanding"), I'm guessing he has a new sense of freedom (his kids are on their own now), his "fantasy" of having his own place is now real, and he will probably try on this new single-guy persona for a while. Because, he has to. He just has to figure things out, in his own, messed-up crisis kinda way.
So, today, I started stinkin' thinkin' (Hey, fantastic idea, Shining!!! Way to undo your progress!!). Kidding....I'm still doing good.
In my imagination, I thought about all the dates he's probably planning, bringing all these Victoria's Secret model-types back to his bachelor pad..finding someone and thinking he loves her.....and then I stopped myself.
I know better. I realized this thinking isn't getting me where I want to be....it's only keeping me stuck, and hurt. I can choose to think differently. Besides.... that's not even realistic.
Even if it was happening, then that's what he wants, anyway. I'm sure he's trying to date like that....but none of that matters right now.
Why???????
I'll tell you why.
Because, whatever he does, it's not about me. And I do matter, that's why.
So I talked to myself. (GENTLY) <<< the irony of that word in all caps is just yummy.
I digress......but I listed reasons to stop thinkin' stinky.....
1. I'm not there, so I can't really know what he does at all, and assuming is pointless. 2. Even if he is dating? duh, Shining..this isn't your first day of DB. You knew this is typical of the process. 3. What is the only thing I can control in this, or any situation? 4. Does his behavior have to affect how I think of myself? 5. Do his crazy MLC choices make me less worthy of happiness? 6. Can I control or change anything he does? 7. Can I choose to stop standing anytime I want? 8. Do I love him enough to get out of his way, accept that this is his journey, and his alone? 9. Do I love ME enough to take care of myself? 10. What lessons am I both learning, and teaching my children? How do we handle life's changes? What is it that we can and cannot control?
. 