Here is MY opinion.... (based on my own observations and experience)
More than likely she isn't sure what she wants to do because the OM hasn't left his GF. Deep down she isn't really sure he will leave her even though that is what he probably has promised. This is typical of men in affairs. They usually don't leave their wife (or GF) unless the OW has such power over him that she tells him he can't have HER as long as he is still married. The OM will then tell his wife he wants to separate (this buys him time with both women) so that he can see where it goes with the OW. Meanwhile he is usually cake eating with his wife and also stringing her AND the OW along as long as they will play along (and MANY DO)... (Sound familiar?)
I would think that if he left his GF, then she would be pushing to separate with you instead of saying she doesn't want to.
By the OM not leaving the GF, this is GOOD for your cause. I highly doubt that when push comes to shove that he will leave the GF. I would guess that your wife secretly knows deep down inside that this is true.
So, that being the case.. Your plan to separate is actually going to work against you the way you are going about it. It would give your wife a chance to see where things are going with the OM while she STILL keeps stringing you along hoping she comes to her senses. She will keep telling you she doesn't know what she wants as long as he is in the picture. She will throw you just enough crumbs and time and effort to keep you right where she wants you.... We then will see you keep stating new or renewed boundaries again and again and again because you won't or can't face the TRUE BOUNDARY that she needs to hear to turn her thoughts from the OM back to you..... For a perfect example, please go read Tarheel's thread in detail...
Here is how I am reading you....
"Wife, I love you and want to make this work, but I am hoping if I tell you that I won't share, that this will wake you up or scare you into coming back to me. I "am demanding" that you have NC, and also blah, blah, blah along with complete transparency. (the whole key here is making the mistake of letting her keep thinking that you still love her and will let her come back IF.. this or IF that... All the while she keeps right on doing what she secretly wants to do while learning how to get around your so called boundaries.)
I don't see this as usually working as a plan when it comes across as a demand. I realize that YOU think it is coming across as a "boundary"... I don't see it that way and I doubt your wife does either. It still comes across as controlling. Why? Because it is controlling.
You want my opinion on a boundary? Since you won't stop seeing the OM and keep lying to me about it, then I AM DIVORCING YOU.... and then file and do it..confident,strong, firm, decisive (things women on here keep telling us they can't resist in a man.. right?).....
Or is that too strong for her or too hard to understand? or does that scare YOU into thinking she will take you up on it? Isn't that really the boundary when you get down to it?
So, the question is.. How do you do the boundary thing without coming across as controlling to HER?
I think a person needs to add a few different words to your boundary. Just a few words phrased differently make all the difference in how it is perceived by the WS. Perception is reality...
For example.. You told us this...
Quote:
W doesn’t want separate accounts because “it doesn’t bring us closer together” (cake eater!) and naturally, because “there is no A- it’s over.” Conversation was civil, I was short and simply restated my position that I was not interested in rehashing old arguments and that I am unwilling to live in an open marriage. Said I didn’t want to take unilateral action and initiate a divorce, but will have no choice if we can’t agree to work together. Conversation ended in an “agreement” to see a mediator to work on a formal separation. That was yesterday.
Now... IF you had changed it to something like this.... (I made the changes in red that I would suggest have more of an impact on her to show her you mean business and to get her to start thinking the correct thoughts.... which SHOULD be
Quote:
"have I gone too far and have I lost him for good?"
(Convince her that you mean that is when you will find her coming back on YOUR terms without you having to demand a thing...)
Here is my suggestion..
Quote:
W doesn’t want separate accounts because “it doesn’t bring us closer together” (cake eater!) and naturally, because “there is no A- it’s over.” Conversation was civil, I was short and simply restated my position that I was not interested in rehashing old arguments and that I am unwilling to live in an open marriage and that now my feelings have changed and I am not sure how I feel about her anymore. Said I didn’t want to take unilateral action and initiate a divorce, but I have been doing some thinking and I have decided that we can't work together and that this really isn't what I want in a relationship, let alone a marriage. It suddenly hit me that I don't want to be with someone who I don't trust, who lies to me and doesn't act like they really want to be with me and me alone and I realized that I am not sure what I want now or how I feel about you either. So, I have decided that it is best that we separate. I need some time. I have contacted my lawyer and I will let you know what my plans are after I have discussed this with him.
