First, "I'll never get a D"...this lasted 25 YEARS. Than, "I want a D, and I don't want to try". This lasted a few months. Than "I think it would be best for us to just separate. I know people that have been separated for over a year and it works for them" (at that time she gave all kinds of reason why it was better from money to the kids). That lasted a month. Then it was "I went to see a lawyer because my dad "made me" and I decided to file. But don't worry you don't need a lawyer of your own because we don't have anything much to split up and you can have the house". Than came the taking everything SHE wanted, putting my D14 in the school that was close to her even though it's 30 miles away from me, the freaking out if I just asked to keep something that we bought during the M. Then came her "Final Decree" where she offered to "allow" me to live rent free in the house until D14 was "18 and a day" and then sell it and she gets half.
Hey Matt. Same garbage I got, and you know what? It's all par for the course in MLC land. Some things, you just have to accept. I know it's tough. I know it's frustrating, and I know you just want to understand WHY?
Believe me, Matt, I have a looooong way to go. I still try to figure things out. But I just want to share some things that have helped me from spinning over things. Trust me, I still spin, but not as often or as long. But, I can tell that some of the bigger things, some things I struggled in the beginning, are still affecting you.
First, you have to accept the fact that she is gone. Whatever you have to tell yourself to get through that, do it. Will she come back? Who knows? But for now, you just need to put her aside. You don't want to deal with crazy. So don't. What helped me detach from this was thinking (and trust me I was hoping and praying he'd come back) that if he wanted me, he'd come back. I would think, he knows how I feel. He knows I want to be married to him. If he wants me, he knows where to find me. I am worth him putting forth effort. If he doesn't, then why would I want to be in that r with someone who does not put effort into me and does not want to be with me.
Next, as far as the house and things. XH pretty much screwed me. He felt very entitled and took whatever. I still think he was hiding money, etc. Many things we agreed on, he did not follow through. I could have gone to battle with him. Here was my thinking, it is my s's senior year. He has had a tough couple years. I want to be there for him emotionally, mentally, etc. I did not want to waste his last year of high school in an emotional, mental, and physically draining battle.
I made sure I had enough of what I needed to take care of my kids. I picked up a couple odd jobs to make a little extra cash (things that would not interfere with time with my kids, and since they are older, I can do that better). I decided to cut my loses. The fight was not worth the time and emotional energy it was going to take from my kids. I realize it is not always like that and everyone's sitch is different, but you have to find a balance.
I remember xh was ticked off one day bc he saw what child support was (his l was way wrong... even though I told him ahead of time... whatever). Anyway, he was in full-blown monster rage. He followed me home (from l's office, which he would show up to my appts and wait in the waiting room and call and text me while I was in there). He was hooting and hollering, and I told him to give me the key to the house. He went home and changed and came back and started clearing stuff out. I was mowing at the time (or he probably would have taken that). He was trying to tick me off. He totally cleaned out the shed, took everything. Things that my parents had given us(his parents have never given us ONE thing- not that I care, but c'mon, he was taking that to bother me). He took the propane tank for the grill, we had 2 seed spreaders and he took both, things he didn't need, and some things that were my grandfather's.
I was getting so agitated, but I didn't argue. I finally said (as he was filling up the utility trailer- he had his brother helping him)to him, "You know what, xh, if taking this is what is going to make you happy in life, then go for it. Have fun." Yeah, I was ticked, but I wasn't going to give him the battle he wanted. Normally, I would have had my tail-feathers high in the air, and been going off- something I did when I felt I needed to put up a fight. But I left. I got in my car and drove off. I left him to the house to do whatever. He texted me and I ignored it. I waited a couple hours before I returned.
I would get ticked sometimes when I needed something. And now the thought of my stuff being with hww (stuff my parents bought and that was my grandpa's) could make me see red, but I just kept telling myself, they are just things. I am over it now. Things can be replaced. It is not going to kill me. I needed my sanity! I needed to put it in perspective for my kids' sake. Honestly, Matt, this has helped me detach and move away from the crazy.
For me, doing this, was one of the biggest growths I've had. I just let it go. Again, I know it is not fit for everyone's sitch, but the point is to find a balance. What can you emotionally remove yourself from for the sake of detaching or peace? It's hard, but you can do it. It makes it easier in the long-run.
