The Waiting One (and tired of it)

[Atsbaby]

Thank you for the encouragement Job, Daring and Shining. I tried reading some of the info before going on our weekend trip, but didn't get very far. I will continue to read them though!!

It has been a while since I posted. So we had a nice weekend. And I’ve really got to stay in the proper mindset that Clark is still in crisis and not himself yet.
The ride down was hard. We were awkward for a bit; sat quietly. I let Clark start the conversations, but typically validated and listened. I never really gave my full opinion. We started listening to music and initially it was music we both really enjoy. He then changed it to love songs…which brought tears. He held my hand a few times on the way down. All I kept thinking was “Am I making the right decision? How can I survive this weekend? I can’t let him break me.”

We enjoyed each other’s company. We joked around, played pool and cards, relaxed in the hot tub, watched football. It was nice to just be with him.

We “talked” as he wanted to, which was really him blaming and accusing. I validated and even gave some honest responses. Overall I STFU because I know we can’t go there yet; Clark isn’t done.

Clark said he felt that I didn’t care about him or our relationship. He admitted to handling our situation wrong and should have done things differently. Didn’t really say how, but I guess that really doesn’t matter; what’s done is done. He didn’t find me attractive because I never lost my pregnancy weight and I didn’t care about me. He admitted that he probably didn’t help the sitch by saying these things to me…yep, low blows to an already low self-esteem individual! BUT I also see this as projection, because he’s not happy with his self. Continues to say he needs to lose weight and that he’s fat and man, does he use a lot of sarcasm about being this woman magnet!

I agreed that I probably didn’t show him that I care as much as I really do. As we all know, we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves. Side note: I was always that skinny kid that everyone hates…sorry can’t help how my body works! I added a little weight pre marriage and was happy with my weight, as was Clark. Then we had 2 kids back to back and I gained over 50 lbs. I tried to lose the weight, he didn’t really support me or encourage me as I felt I needed. Then I entered a stressful job for the next 4 years which took a toll on me physically and emotionally. I’m almost to pre baby weight and absolutely feel so much more confident and energized. I still have a few pounds and lots of body toning to be totally satisfied, but d@mn it I’m happy with myself!! Clark focused on the remaining weight I still need to lose, no “You are looking fantastic. I’m proud of how hard you’re working on yourself. Great job staying with your workout.” Nope, “You really need to lose that flab on your stomach.” Deep breath…and smile. Thank you, I will continue to take care of myself.