Mindsin - pt. 4 (the countdown begins)

[mindsin]

It was Friday night (our wedding anniversary night) when I first told her that I feared for my future and feared that she may be controlling me.

A couple of months ago, when I 1st contacted the OMW, she said to me, "We had her under control until you set her off".

I recalled this statement to her and said, "Think about what you said. 'You had her under control'. How do I know you're not trying to keep me under control?"

This is when she walked away, saying "After 19 years, this is what you think of me. Calculated and controlling."

(You may have read that before -- I posted it days ago and it got deleted ^^^)

Anyway -- I recognize that much of what I said that night was regrettable. I believe she understands that even through her own pain and fears, she recognizes that her H is also hurting badly. She also acknowledges that sometimes I say things abruptly when I am emotionally charged. Again -- not in my best interest. There's no way that she thinks otherwise, and it doesn't help my cause to SHOW I'm in pain. I get that.

The whole loyalty spiel that I tried to pull off was constructed in my mind on the fly. It absolutely was self-serving. She knows the moral and ethical conflicts in this situation and doesn't need me to tell her or reinforce/validate them -- particularly when they come off as hypocritical.

I was admittedly in a very unstable emotional state late last week because of the fact that she spent the night on her birthday and our wedding anniversary with the OM (within a 3-day span). It was simply too much for me to take, as hard as I tried to keep my composure. I regressed, and didn't handle the situation well. It was magnified by the additional stress that came with the new found focus I had on the OMW and their situation as a result of our conversations during this same time. Another backslide.

With that said, I am not down on myself. I need to refocus on the big picture here (and maybe reread DR again).

Another positive takeaway is that while I may have regressed by the WORDS that were spoken, I have not regressed by my ACTIONS, and it will only be my consistent actions that will make her even entertain the thought that a marriage with me can be different and better than it was before.

Backward steps have been taken. Time to shake it off and move forward.