Have I any hope.... (Part 3)

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Ahoy]Hi bashy (and others) -- pressies is British for "presents". Bashy, the holidays are tricky. I don't want to spend those times pretending that life is normal, and I do want my H to see what life in the years to come will be like, with us splitting holidays.

You think by splitting them all now, it helps? How so? Why not give him good memories to think of and how he will MISS those? Otherwise you are merely speeding up the coming bad times and not giving him any new positive images to counter the negative images he has, which he's used to justify leaving.


I also have family responsibilities pulling me back to my home state (far from where I currently reside). So I asked my H how he wanted to divide up the holidays this year (giving him authority, which is a 180 for me). He picked Thanksgiving, I get Xmas, he gets New Years.

So will your d then be splitting those days Sooner rather than later? how is that good for her?

I'm traveling to my home state to visit family for Thanksgiving, and taking my D there for Xmas. I later told him that I don't mean to exclude him, that he's welcome to join in Xmas depending on where he is emotionally in Dec., but that I felt that I had to go ahead and make plans to be with my family (my father is having a cancer scare).

So the door is open, but I'm also moving on with my life. I do want what is best for my D, but in some ways, dealing with the reality of the situation will be good for her. I don't want her to put any faith in an illusion.

I can't guarantee her that this marriage will last.

This is almost the opposite of what a family therapist suggested I do for our children. He said "do NOT tell your kids a divorce is happening until if and when you KNOW with 100% certainty that a divorce is happening. Why give them stomach aches they may not have to deal with if you work things out?

Give them as many good memories in the meantime that you can. And it gives the poss WAS something to miss as well. Create those positives while you can.

Then reassure your kid(s) about what will Not change in their lives. Like if they'll still be in the same school or house or neighborhood, focus on that part and be as detailed as you can be, about when they'll see each parent and how they are not going to lose the non custodial parent.

Ahoy, consider giving your d some hope rather than presenting the bleakest possibilities to her as "THE" realities coming. Besides no one can ever guarantee that their m will last or that they will be alive the next day.

RE your h, are you trying to Keep the road home, pave and smooth? It's a DB tenet that is not to confused with being a doormat.

But it does mean not to punish your spouse and not try to "teach him a lesson" b/c Life teaches them lessons, and gives them consequences...it's Not our job to do that, however tempting.

Make sense?