What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks newleaf, I looked into renting it out myself and decided against it as I would still need to move.

The teams are great but they are both things I've done in the past. The soccer team is my SIL fiancee's team on which she also plays and FIL/MIL often come to watch.... So that's going to be pretty awkward. I was ask nicely (begged) to come play despite them knowing about the split, so I agreed. My hockey team I had originally said no to as I was saving for round #2 of ivf, once W told me she was out I had to work really hard to get back on the team.

180s have been hard, I'm still not sure how to show affection and dependability without being seen as needy, overbearing and fake.

Affection is not solely expressed physically. There are emotionally appealing ways to be affectionate. A fun nickname or flirtatious comment CAN work if it does NOT come across as pursuit. So, How to achieve that?

Usually just don't look as if you are expecting anything in return. Make the comment and laugh, or leave the area, or better yet, both.

Dependability is self explanatory and won't be seen as needy or fake if it's real. Show up when you say you will. KEEP YOUR WORD. Nothing fake about that. And though it's not always easy, it is also Not complicated. It's pretty simple. Only make promises you can and will keep. How Not to be overbearing --

-Since I don't know you or how you show the overbearing parts of your personality, I'm going to make some guesses and suggestions.

Do you raise your voice even when you are not angry? IF so, lower the volume and be self aware of how you sound when you are "excited" or "passionate" b/c to many people, men who raise their voices sound intimidating or angry sen when they are not.

This is also particularly important when the man is large and or the woman is more petite than most. Big guys sound bigger when they are loud, so again, lower the volume and the "intensity" of discussions.

And ASK HER if she can give you some feedback on when you are sounding more even keeled, OR to tell you when to lower the volume/intensity. IOW, ask her for input and feedback about this issue you are working on, NOT to impress her but to help you change.

Can you see the difference^^ there?


I've done 180s on everything I can personally, the rest will be up to her I guess to give me an opportunity to show I've changed in regards to her and her emotions as well.

Not sure what this^^ means. The 180s are changes YOU want to make, and which she values. For instance, being reliable is something I assume you want to be, b/c unreliable men are not appealing as mates or as friends. (Same goes for unreliable women too). Becoming a man of your word is a good thing, she will value it AND you want to become it, correct?

So your 180s are becoming more reliable, & affectionate. Not being overbearing is the trait you want to work on?

When you say "overbearing", would a 3rd party call it you being a bully?
Dig deep on this.^^

Being overbearing is usually a big deal. Don't gloss over it. Examine it honestly, and tell us what you think it means.

Then we can figure out ways to change it so it's measurably achievable, regardless of whether she sees it.



As a "why" man I've found it enlightening learning why she is crying, it's not a plea for attention, it's not to make me feel bad, it's not for pity, it's not because she is hurting, she is crying simply because it feels good to release her emotions. If I only knew that then I would have reacted in a very different manner.

How did you react?

I'm going to ask her to coffee either today or tomorrow and discuss the house sale. I'm not sure how to really go about this though or if there is anyway to show my changes. I don't really need to have her to coffee for this would it be better to just text?

I would Not text a matter of importance like this. And if you are trying to show her a new you, a calmer even keeled you, why on earth would you choose texting for that?

She'll "hear" you yelling in the texts if that is what she is used to or fears.

You want her to SEE & HEAR that you are calmly (and confidently) asking for her input (or is that a show? I mean, if you are already sure of what you are doing then why bother asking her for any input?)

Please tell me you want to be open minded to her comments. She MAY have a valid reason for disagreeing with you, so listen well to that carefully. Her comments may give you a window into her heart. Comments that neither of you could "hear" before, b/c you both had your dukes up.


Just know that IF you are deciding an issue like this all alone, it will look like the same old you...