Dealing with WAW part 6

[LisaB]

And we're back!!! Pilot, what is up? Missed ya!

[pilot]

Hey Lisa! Thanks for missing me! Hah

I really have nothing much to say. Dropped my kids off with my W yesterday (away from her house again...no surprise). No hugs, not much conversation. Definitely feels like her fog is thickening. Again, not mind reading, but I would not be surprised if there was a new OM somehow involved.

I did get a lecture text from her last night. Something about making sure S5 homework was all done before she gets him. I ignored it. Did not even feel like validating it.

I am thinking because of the distance she has been showing the whole plan my DB coach and I had is out the window and its back to LRT. I cannot help but wonder if I missed my opportunity over the summer, or if that was even a real opportunity.

Oh well...

[LisaB]

Hi pilot, yeah I feel you. I think this is part of the rollercoaster. You just never really know what to expect.

I feel like we try this and that to affect their mood and behavior and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Then we look back and see maybe that one day they were open and we were angry... did we miss our chance?

But honestly I think they will come around when they are ready to come around. We have to be consistent. In general always showing the same wonderful self. Be that spouse they always wanted, be the terrific parent, seem like you are happy, strong and having a good life. Show off the 180s for the things she didn't like about you.

Some days you will reach out and she won't respond and some days she will. Who knows what is going on with her. Maybe there is OM, maybe she is in a bad mood, maybe she is mulling over her own mistakes, who knows! You need to focus on consistency and not worry too much about her reactions.

I know that is easy to say and not easy to do.

I briefly talked with my H today and after feeling detached from him for days I suddenly wonder what he is doing and who he is with and why he doesn't invite me to dinner and what can I say or do to make him change his behavior and...

But I know the best thing for us to do is keep being great and never let them see you sweat like that old ad said. Take a break from pursuing but don't go cold. Be friendly and kind and open but don't push forward either.

You can do it pilot! I have faith in you!

Hugs, Lisa

[SunnyB]

I did get a lecture text from her last night. Something about making sure S5 homework was all done before she gets him. I ignored it. Did not even feel like validating it.

Pilot, imo you missed to boat on this one. You may not have liked W's tone, may not have felt like validating, but in the end it was about S, not her. The kid needs to do his hw, it's not fair to make him pay the price at school in the battle between mom and dad. Should she do hw with him at her place? Probably. But again, this is about S, not her, so let it go and next time help him with his hw before you drop him off. That way you know it's done.

[igit]

hi Pilot- its a rollercoaster ! Who knows whats going on in her mind! her job could stink! She has bills coming in! Her life [censored]! Who knows! She might be depressed! Hang tuff buddy! its hard! its mental cruelty at times! Be strong for boys! Soccer will help! SHE IS STILL IN FOG MODE!

[raliced]

(away from her house again...no surprise).

Hi Pilot- I keep meaning to comment every time I see you mention your wife's reluctance to let you in her house. I have a situation that's sort of in the same family, where my H only with great reluctance, even gave me the address of where he is staying right now (and I only wanted it so I had some idea of where my kids were spending the night). I was perplexed and hurt by this because he cannot in a million years think I would show up and make a scene, so I just did not understand his reluctance. Then I read through many old threads on this site and I realized, while not as common as things like rewriting history, the secrecy around their living situation does seem to be a recurrent themethat pops up in some of the WAS stories. So I don't think it necessarily means anything sinister, maybe they just are sensitive about having their own "space" away from the marriage right now (although that's not the greatest thought either). I just thought it might reassure you a little bit that this doesn't seem to be unique to your situation and does not at all necessarily portend an OM.

[pilot]

raliced,

Thanks for the input and alternative perspective. I know there could be a million reasons why she keeps me away. And while some may be more likely than others, it really does me no good to speculate. I do think it is interesting what you found when reading many different stories about it being a not too uncommon event. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to add your thoughts!!!

rppfl,

Thank you as well for posting. I did not pass my son off without him having done any homework. He just did not do all of it. In kindergarden a lot of what he has to do deal with using colors. I do not happen to have any crayons or markers at my place...all those things went with my W. So anything which was color related, got sent with him to her place to get finished. I just chose to ignore her text because of the perceived 'tone'. Maybe I was wrong in her tone...who knows. It just came across as a lecture. I have not, and do not even intend to use my kids in any negative way during this whole D process. My kids always come first. In this case, I just did not have the coloring stuff, as my W has always been the artistic one.

[Ss06]

Hi Pilot,

In my personal experience I have found that every single time I speculate or read too much into an action or text or behavior I have been wrong. We're all in a state of over thinking because we don't have much to go on but in my opinion, it does some of us a huge disservice.

I think it's more important to take things at face value and gauge our reaction accordingly in the moment. Instead, we over think and mind read and speculate when we're alone and wondering what the heck is going on and that does serious damage in the moment.

About the crayon thing, did you at least communicate with her at hand off that you didn't have the required paraphernalia to complete his homework this time but you will have crayons on-hand at their next visit (it's a stop at Target, $1.99)? This prevents resentment and anger on her end (not that she'd have a good reason but that's not the point) which in turn puts you in a good light. Can't hurt, might help.

[Ahoy]

pilot -- I'm curious to know what your DB plan with your coach was, and why you would need to go back to LRT?

[igit]

Pilot, from an outsider looking in you are doing well with your sitch. Better than most I follow. What was your wifes family life like growing up.
Not to throw God card or push it on you. Did they and do they still go to church.
Just something to think about. Not to win your wife back strategy, but check out a Methodist church in your area some Sunday. Take the boys! It might be a nice experience for you.
I have been a so so church member since kids were born. Wife was really the drive behind it. Anyway it certainly has been a big help for me in dealing with this mess.
I don't ever want you to think I am pushing this on you , just something that is helping me out