We texted a little bit this weekend. I had an athletic event that was pretty physically challenging. The morning after it was over she texted me to check in to see how it went. We texted back and forth for a couple of minutes. She wanted to coordinate for hanging out this week (we are 'dating' once a week). I told her that I have an activity planned. We agreed to follow up later to get specifics on which date this week.
Last night I texted her a bit when she proposed which day this week we would get together. I screwed up when I asked her "Do you have a busy week?" In general I have been very business oriented with our communication and keeping things cool without opening questions. And then I told her that "I am looking forward to spending time with you." ugh. I probably shouldnt have done that. And of course she didnt affirm me or validate the emotion by saying anything like that back except 'awesome, you have my curiosity up' (because i didnt tell her what we are doing).
Anyway, I checked the phone logs yesterday and saw that the OM called her after the NFL game ended yesterday. They only talked for 1 min (or less). My take on that is that they were coordinating where to meet up after the game. It is possible she said "I can't talk now" but I find it a lot more likely that they coordinated a rendezvous location. I also know they hung out on Friday night at a costume party. She seems to be dating him or having an affair with that is escalating from EA to PA (my hunch).
OK, so that's what has been going on. I'm really not feeling that great about her right now and I have a bunch of questions to ask you great folks:
- Should I expose the affair to her parents? I am not sure if the relationship is a PA, but I definitely know they are flirting. Some of our mutual friends know but W has not said anything to them when speaking to the friends privately.
- We waited to have children because I was not ready last year due to various life changes (new house, new job, etc). She wanted to get pregnant and I told her to just give me a little bit more time. Before all of this went down I was literally 'ready to go'. Is it possible my delaying made her feel like I wasnt into the marriage/relationship?
- We used to have such a loving relationship. Where did this go? She used to care about me a lot, now she doesnt seem to care at all. How much of this is the affair fog? How much of this is just her getting emotionally disconnected from me? She said when this all first went down 'we were so young when we got together' - What the heck does that mean? She wants to be with other men now? She also said recently she feels 'hopeless' that things wont get better with us (but how the heck are they going to get better if we dont try and I didnt know there was a problem).
- Why doesnt she want to commit to working on the relationship? In her defense she thinks that her getting 'space' in the apartment is her working on the relationship. It is just not doing it with a marriage counselor.
- She says that she has been unhappy for a while. How does she know it is unhappiness because of me and our relationship? We dont fight, I take care of things around the house, I support her in her career, I give her affection, etc. Obviously there are things I need to do better (earlier in the thread), AND there are things we as a couple need to work on (more time together, dinner together during the week, talking about our feelings, speaking in the right love language, etc). The thing I struggle with is that it just really seems like she is having a MLC and trying to find happiness through some other guy and partying. We seemingly had a great life together before all of this went down and she took her stress out on me and us.
- Should I completely change tactics and cut her off? Stop talking to her and say something like: you have broken our marriage vows, i no longer trust you, you are not the person i married, i tried to support you in this endeavor and give you space but you violated that by dating and having an affair with this guy you work with.
-Should I ask her to reengage with gottman-certified couples therapy? I think we both didnt like the last guy we used and that left a sour taste in her mouth.
-How did she get so emotionally disconnected that she wants out? Also, SO emotionally disconnected that she doesnt say anything until D-Day. Doesnt it seem rational that you would try and reconnect rather than just give up after 5 years of marriage and 12 years together? We have so much going for us, shared experiences and love/respect for each other. It does not make sense that you wouldnt at least commit to trying.
Thanks for reading and providing any feedback or perspective you can share from your own experiences. It is very helpful.
