This is terrifying - I hope you understand

[Shakspr]

So, here's the thing...journalling, I suppose (hey, I wrote 7-8 lines of my sonnet...lemme alone.)

I need to understand the process. I am having a hell of a time with hopelessness and grief. I know, intellectually, that a day will come when I don't think about my W leaving me as soon as my eyes are open and the last thing before I go to sleep. I take no pleasure in the things that I like. Exercise is a temporary ameliorator.

I don't want this new reality. It pisses me off. It makes me hurt so bad that I want to break something and/or vomit.

So I have a real hard time DB'g - even the basic stuff. I can GAL away from home for a while, but my thoughts are with her. She is getting ready to go to an outpatient surgery (minor) right now in the next room and I just want to go in and hug her.

My 180's aren't enough - if they are for me, and not for her, I don't want 'em.

But I can't, of course. And I am hyper-emotional.

I am locked out of her private life now, completely. The only things she discusses with me are her job hunt and exercise/weight loss. For God's sake, she has mommyplasty scheduled for February after she finishes losing all the unnecessary pounds (BTW, I supported the idea 100% when she brought it up in June, even though we really can't afford it.)

Being honest, I have to believe there is at least a chance that an EA is involved. Looking back, when she was with her first husband, she reached out to me. (We've known each other since Band Camp in High School.) I didn't take the bait. She married the second husband soon thereafter, and while she was mid-way through that divorce, she told me she'd be in touch in 6 months or so.

Bottom line, she doesn't seem to leave a man if she doesn't think she's got another waiting in the wings.

I'm not snooping only because she's password protected the phone she got herself and I can't hack it. I suppose it doesn't matter - I'll know in the next 6 months or so anyway.

I feel like a complete fool and a failure.