Wife having emotional affair part 2

[25yearsmlc]

And or, getting her some help... Did you say she cancelled the doctor appointment b/c she/you could not afford it?

I'd love to see both of you to get some IC and your wife for her specific illness...

I think you both need tools you presently lack, and from what you've said about her family's background, I think I can see why that is for her.

What was Your family of origin like? How did you see forgiveness modeled in your family and childhood?

As for your wife, did she see "forgiveness" by watching her dad divorce her mother when the mom's legal problems came up?

I'm probably missing chunks of that story, but a divorce struck me as an odd choice for her dad to make while his wife was facing jail time.

And what happened to her parents after the divorce, and to the mom after the embezzlement charge? What did YOU pay for then?

I got confused with the mil's legal woes, and your financial problems. How did they mix?

Knowing these^^ things will help me advising.

Sandi brings up a good point. IF your w moves back in with you, are there any conditions to that?

If Not, then you are merely putting yourself in a very untenable position in which you are actively supporting your wife while she goes out with OM.

I'm NOT telling you to give her an ultimatum.

I'm just asking how you are helping your wife (b/c if you recall, MY focus was on getting her professional help, WHILE you work on yourself too)...I cannot tell you certain ways to get her back.

I CAN tell you this:

if you support your wife in a way that enables her to be with OM, you are not helping your marriage. She has to respect you, and she also has to believe that she could be forgiven by you, (assuming certain things happen eventually).

If you invite her to return home and add NO conditions to that, you're setting both of you up for a further deterioration of the M & merely punting the issue of OM down the field.

So I'd rather her go discover that the grass is not greener with OM out on her own dime and not in your face, and then try to return home with a newly appreciative hard won approach with sincere effort on getting well,

than have her in the home, dating OM, with you probably flaking out and or losing your temper ---and then both of you being miserable AND delaying the teachable moments that might have happened if she'd been on her own.

BALANCED against all that^^, is the issue of her mental health and yours.

I sense depression and confusion in both of you, and in her case, an anxiety disorder that can be crippling at times.

You can't just "black & white" your way through all of this. It's not as simple as it could be in some situations.

One of Sandi's points was that any WAW has her "Stuff" but your wife has at least 2 emotional issues, depression and an anxiety disorder,

AND an affair.

(Yes I see a connection between those^^ things, but that just underscores the importance of your wife getting help, imo)

It sounds as if she has some wacky family issues too, and given that she had a baby out of wedlock so young, and from a loser boyfriend, my guess is her upbringing was NOT very supportive to her and did not meet her needs by a long shot.

I would not think she can get a lot of healthy support from her parents, for example.

So what is your family like today? And growing up, how was conflict resolution modeled for you?

And as best you can tell, how was it shown to your wife as she was growing up?

One last thing.

I realize you wanted to give your marital history to us for context. And that helps in lots of ways.

But I also sense a scorecard or "grievance list".

When you talk about the abusive boyfriend she had and the baby you adopted, I almost got the "pygmalion" feeling from you. That's the storyline wherein you suggest that you essentially rescued her from hell, or in some way that you married down, and OR she was "lucky" to win you.

All I can tell you is that even when there is some truth to that^^ version, it almost always backfires on the "hero". The wife does NOT feel like being reminded of what a low life she was until she met you. Even if that were accurate, it has to end at some point b/c she changes and does not want to be "stuck" in your estimation, in the past. The past in which was a pregnant 17 y/o with a loser boyfriend, needs help.

She becomes a woman and achieves things and wants THAT to be the picture of her life, not her past mistakes.

I know 5-6 men who've told me they "rescued" their wives or "found her in a gutter or a trailer park" and they always have/had an "abusive ex" --

and those men are shocked when their wives leave them.

I almost get the feeling that the men married those women BECAUSE they did not believe those women would ever leave them. Yet every man I've met who has that story, (again, its only half a dozen or so) but each of those men was left by that woman. And I think the pattern is such that the wives are tired of being put down, however subtly.

Does any of this^^ ring true for you or your wife? Just food for thought.

Did you say you have a DB coach? IF so, that is great b/c I can tell you that my DB coach was a Godsend.

Regardless, keep working on getting information FROM your wife, listen well to her so you can assess how she really is doing. "Gathering intel" to assess her condition, is part of your mission for now.

I also think guilting her about being a bad mother will backfire big time on you and probably on the kids too. (Not saying you are doing that, but IF...)

The parents who "never come back" to their kids, imo, never come back b/c of shame.

Shame is not a teaching tool, it's just a bad feeling that keeps people from working on themselves, out of fear.

But I digress.

Anyhow, good luck!