Maybe your H and mine are both in MLC. That would explain the unreasonable expectation that life should be a party all the time.
The more I think about it, the more I think... why would you expect life to give you happiness? Historically, it never has. Historically, you made your living, raised your kids, and did the best you could with what you had. If you and your family didn't perish early and all together from starvation or exposure or one of the many untreatable diseases that scourge the world then you went to your grave calling your life a win. All this existential angst is self-indulgent and foolish and absurdly post-modern.
What did you decide about the service???
Last edited by Maybell; 09/22/1401:51 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I think that, according to Maslowe's hierarchy, if our basic needs are met, we probably should be able to have some level of happiness. Our life certainly included room for that possibility-- for some travel, eating out, time with friends together and alone, deriving happiness from each other's company. But the drudgery and difficulty of every day life with small children got the best of us. (Ex: maybe I wouldn't have minded waking up with the baby every single weekend morning if you had gotten up (2 hours later) at least looking happy to see me and appreciative... and perhaps once in a blue moon offer to reciprocate. He probably thought he did do those things, though.
And I think we both grappled a bit with the changes that marriage and parenthood especially brought to our lives. I think his expectations were a little out of whack, and I know mine were too.
I don't know where I'm at right now. I really don't.
At some point I will reach the point where I'm willing to risk putting myself out there like Maybell did. "How did we get here" is a good question. I also want to ask him, "why do you think its impossible to come back-- so impossible that you won't even try? "
For now, I have to put on my PMA and get through the holidays. If I want the road home to seem paved and smooth-- OR if I want him to know I am doing on on my own, it sounds like I need to accept the invite. For a man who has always had a hard time showing emotion, that was possibly a big step for him to take.
I think that invite was a very, very big deal. I hope you accept it. It might even be worth getting another block of coaching sessions.
It is easier to not set yourself up for pain, but it's a pretty lonely way to live, and it has its own risks.
BTW, I felt like there was a lot about those baby years that we managed OK -- like dividing up who got to sleep in on which weekend days so nobody got the shaft. OK, I got the shaft most of the time (two mornings a month I got to sleep in, but at least I got to plan for them), but I'm an early riser anyway so I didn't mind. The baby years are TOUGH.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm confused. Is this in regards to the holiday service this week?
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
The baby years destroyed us. Babies don't come with instructions but there are no instructions for how to handle your marriage when you have a baby.
We had (have?) a very difficult kid. She still doesn't sleep through the night (major sleep issues since birth, we were up last night at 3:30 - 5:00 am in fact). Once we decided for me to SAH (which was very much a mutual decision) he felt a lot of pressure to provide which to him meant disappearing completely and it got progressively worse. The stress and resentment built and built and built. It got ugly.
Wow, like how I go off on my stuff right in the middle of your stuff? I'm supposed to be working on empathy. How am I doing? Oy vey.
I think it would be good to respond in person if you're going to see him. That way he can see you smile.
Everyone I know who split up fell apart just when the youngest kid hit kindergarten. Same in my house. It's like we power through and then wake up and find we don't have anything left.
That's not how this story is going to go!!!
I don't know if my post got deleted or not, but don't miss the sweetness of the opening steps because you're worried about the grand finale.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes, i was expecting everyone to magically know I was talking about responding to his invite re: holiday this Friday. :-/
Ok. I will come home and smile and say, " it will be nice to share the holiday with D"? "Thank you, i have always really liked those services and I'm glad I'll get to be a part of it this year"? Simply, "thank you, yes I would like to join you"??
Gotta think on HOW I will actually accept the invite.
Maybell, I recall those nuggets of wisdom from you! Yes, I must be willing to take a risk at some point. He is definitely still keeping a close fence around himself (he is attending a wedding this weekend... I have not asked if he is going alone or not. I don't want to know, right??), and has not pursued the "date" he initiated recently. So, at best he is still testing, and at worst he is just being polite/feeling guilty.
Another friend and his son and daughters may also be there so it will be another opportunity to show myself off. Up a dress size these days, but bought something new that I will at least feel good in.
In other news, this calf injury has halted my non-existent exercise but maybe some PT will help me get a jump start.
