Inside my chrysalis 3

[Card29]

Hi Ss,

My "reaction journal" was actually a journal of her reactions towards my words/actions. I started it in the middle of my pleading/begging/chasing/needing stage after BD. From the journal, I quickly saw how all of those things were hurting my chances. I drove her further away, etc. I didn't have to keep the journal long because those were relatively easy traits for me to change, since they were coming from emotion and not my normal personality.

For you, the journal would need to be long-term. And yes, you would probably have to fake it for a while. It will take a very concerted effort. If you stick with it, it will become more and more natural, but the tendency will be deep inside of you for a long time. I know some people apply the Years-Months rule towards marriage reconciliation (however many years you've been together, that's how many months of doing it right it will take to have permanent change)...maybe it could be applied to this. However many years you've had limited empathy (36?), that's how many months of concerted effort to change it will take before you can truly say you're empathetic.

I fully admit that I made that last part up, but it makes sense to me when you are talking about personality change.

Also, I recently saw something that Daniel Dennett wrote (an atheist philosopher...I am as Christian as they come, but it is foolish to think you can't learn something from someone of a different faith background. Plus, the quote really has nothing to do with atheism):

How to compose a successful critical commentary:

1.You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.

2.You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).

3.You should mention anything you have learned from your target.

4.Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.

Notice that the first 3 out of 4 steps are empathy-based! Now think about most humans' natural tendencies when it comes to conflict (me! me! me!), and it is no wonder that marriages fall apart so frequently. These rules are probably meant more for philosophical or scientific debate, but I don't see why they can't be applied to conflicts within relationships.