Mindsin - pt. 4 (the countdown begins)

[mindsin]

Over the weekend, we had some further R talks.

Saturday night:

She is disappointed that I think the worst of her. She is upset that I think she is calculated, controlling, and manipulative. I told her that I fear for the future and I fear that she and the OM have this whole thing planned out (getting both spouses to lay down quietly while both family units are systematically deconstructed).

Her response was that neither she nor the OM have anything planned and that she really doesn't know what the future holds herself. She said "I don't know what end of year looks like. I don't know what next week looks like!"

I sense that beneath her tough exterior is a lot of confusion and pain. She has always had a hard time showing her soft side to me. She always had this "I don't need anybody" attitude, and it still resonates in the things she says and does.

I continued...I told her that from my PoV, I'm working on becoming a better man, father, and husband. I told her that I'm going to continue treating her like any W deserves to be treated.

She asked, "And how is that?"

I said, "To be treated as an equal partner in life".

She nodded.

I then said, "What I know about you is what I've known since I met you -- that beneath your tough exterior is a very soft side. It's that soft side of you right now that is hurting and in pain. I recognize that I caused you so much pain, but I have found it in my heart to forgive myself for the things I've done to you. It doesn't mean that I'm letting myself off the hook for my past wrong-doings. It means I've let go of the self-loathing that was eating my soul so that I can continue living my life."

We then got into a conversation regarding the OM/OMW relationship. She doesn't believe anything the OMW says, and said she was there in the presence of the OM when he had some of the conversations that corroborate his side of the story, and negates hers. Because of that, everything she has said to my W is under scrutiny and doubt.

She said that she understands why I feel the need to try to help save their marriage, and it's that kind-heartedness that she fell in love with 19 years ago. It's also why it was incomprehensible to her how someone so kind-hearted as myself could betray her like that.

I told her that my past indiscretions were a result of voids in our marriage that I filled through infidelity and betrayal. I said that I am in no way excusing anything that I did, and infidelity is never an excuse.

I continued that while I was unfaithful to her, I was never disloyal to her. I said I was ALWAYS loyal to her, and always wanted to be her husband, and never wanted to leave the marriage.

She replied, "That's because you didn't have the balls to. You were a coward."

I retorted, "So what does that make [OM]? A hero? A hero for leaving his wife and kids?"

I told her that this conversation is no longer in our best interests to continue.

She said that she will be spending the night with the OM and that tomorrow (Sunday), she'll be spending half the day with her parents because she feels that she needs to seek counseling from them.