Nitty in a Nutshell #2

[Nitty]

Not sure if this post will stick with the board maintenance, but I'm going to post anyway.

I'm still riding the roller coaster.

TEXTKRIEG

The evening I wrote my last post, I accidentally sent a text to Mr. Gritty after his "bedtime". I'd written it earlier, forgot to send it, found it and tried to erase it but accidentally hit send.

It woke him up and ... tada... Bring on the textkrieg. He blasted me for:

1) waking him up.

2) not responding to him quickly enough. "I wrote my last text 2.5 hours ago!" (I was in my adult ed class)

3) "going out and meeting others". He was really ticked off about that. A quote: "I need to go out and meet others. You are. What the hell is wrong with me? Screw this sh!t." The implication being that he is questioning reconciliation because I'm going out and he isn't and that is bad.

4) lying to him. He claimed I changed my story in my texts as to where I'd been. Told me how much he hates it when I keep on lying. Of course, I didn't lie in the texts, and I didn't lie during our marriage, but this is back to one of the reasons he gave me for cheating on me.

All he needed to do was re-read the texts, to see that my story did not change, but instead he just went off the handle.

I finally remembered the rules and stopped responding. I figured: well, that reconciliation didn't last long. And I was pretty sure I was right because he didn't text me for the next 48 hours. He didn't call, didn't do anything. We went from frequent and consistently friendly daily texts to nada.

Was I upset? No. Confused, yes. Agitated, yes. But not rolling around in despair. I'm getting better at detachment.

MEDIATION

When he showed up in mediation, though, he surprised me. He acted friendly and happy to see me, almost pleased with himself that he was there and ready to work on conflict resolution.

The mediator asked how we did the previous week and I said I sure as hell didn't know what we did last week... and maybe Mr. Gritty could explain what was going on, because I thought we were in reconciliation, but apparently not, not anymore.

Mr. Gritty told us that he had, indeed, realized he "was bad" and blew up unfairly. He said he realized that after he cooled down and read the texts.

He also explained his lack of texting me after the textkrieg because he figured he had held out the olive branch long enough, and that it was my turn to reach out to him. He didn't text me after his textkrieg because he wanted to see if I would reach out to him.

All righty then. Even the mediator looked a little confused. He gave Mr. Gritty the lecture about texting being bad for communication. Then he asked if Mr. Gritty had done his paperwork.

Of course not. So then the mediator asked him, "Well, do you want to get D or not?" Mr. Gritty said we should still move the paperwork forward, "just in case". But that he feels good that we are headed for reconciliation, and winked at me.

Yes. We are trying to reconcile while in D mediation. Not that this is riddled with mixed messages, or anything.

Nitty Gets LOUD

During our session of conflict resolution Mr. Gritty ended up shouting and leaving the room twice. This is how he acted just before he dropped the bomb, and just before he left me. He wasn't always this bad. But now he is and I basically roll up into a little ball when he does, so we really, really need this conflict resolution stuff.

We practiced discussion techniques meant to diffuse heated situations but when Mr. Gritty got so loud and angry the second time around, the mediator told me to talk to Mr. Gritty just like he talked to me the next time he blows up. (He said this right in front of Mr. Gritty. And hello! MWD's 180! I've always believed a soft answer turns away wrath, but not when you're doing 180s!)

And so I did the first opportunity I could, which turned out to be when Mr. Gritty got angry because I was "making him" provide paperwork for the D. (Because, you know, you don't need to put stuff in writing when you get D. Apparently you only need to give your word that you're being honest and the court will be fine with that.)

I copied Mr. Gritty perfectly, raising my voice and using the same inflections and facial expressions he likes to use, even hit the table once. I have to say it felt good to talk to him like that. He just crossed his arms over his chest and looked sheepish and kind of laughed. But he stopped blaming me for creating paperwork.

TWO MONTHS IS THE NEW DEADLINE

That evening he asked me to dinner, and I went. I asked him how come he still is keeping D mediation going. He said "we should know for sure within at least two months" as to whether or not we should D. He started to go off on me about not trusting his word regarding the paperwork and I asked him to stop.

At that moment I figured, he's probably going to change his mind about reconciling at least a couple of times within the next two months. If we get through it and he want to reconcile, good. If we get through it and he wants to D, I'm not going to fight him one bit.

I am so tired of fighting. And frankly, I'm not so sure what I'm fighting for anymore.

WE'RE GETTING A D! UM, NO, WE'RE NOT!

The next day, he texted that he wanted to make a large purchase using our joint account. I said, "Wait, don't we have a date of separation? Are you buying this for the community property or for yourself?"

His response was that we could do whatever we want, date of separation be damned, and "We are getting D as far as I'm concerned."

I immediately hunkered down in detached mode. Ah, I thought, we are back to this again. Wait a couple of days and we'll be back in reconciliation.

But then he sent a flurry of texts apologizing for the typo. He intended to say, "We are NOT getting a D as far as I'm concerned."

It made me laugh, because in the old days I'd be really upset. Now I'm just, like, business as normal.

TODAY

Today I spent the afternoon with him. At one point he told me, "We have to talk" with this stricken look on his face and instantly I was transported to that awful moment in December when he said the same thing and turned my world inside-out.

But today he only wanted to say "screw the two months," that we should end D mediation and just focus on the conflict resolution. I was relieved, but then we actually got into an argument within five minutes of that announcement. LOL.

The argument reached a crescendo when Mr. Gritty said, "I knew it wouldn't work out!" And I tried to leave.

He stopped me and we agreed to start over. No R talks unless we've got the mediator with us. Before we stopped talking about R, he did say that he will never cheat again because now he fully understands the pain it caused me.

This is not what I consider a good answer. That cheating would cause him pain is a given, but it's not the reason I'm faithful to him. I do not cheat because I don't feel the need for another man, because I value my relationship and know I would destroy it by cheating. So I was a bit concerned about that answer but didn't challenge him on it. Enough of the arguing for today.

After that the afternoon was pleasant, although still a bit stressful for me. After all, I am not saying what I want to say, not telling him about my fears and concerns. The goal is to meet his needs right now, not mine. To save the difficult talks for counseling.

I'm taking this day-by-day. I'm not going to think about tomorrow, only about today. And frankly, when I think about tomorrow, I lose heart. There is so much we're going to have to resolve, and right now we can't even spend one afternoon without him blowing up or getting so agitated he wants to quit the marriage.