Lotta old posts from the last few days have been missing. It's like a DB snapchat. Maybe that's better. The idea that my thoughts and interactions here are public forever is unsettling.
That said, I take the risk to post here because this is the only place where I get this kind of support. My IC will give me 2x4's and help me change negative thought patterns... but she doesn't help me with strategies for continuing to stand for my M. And the stories I hear from divorced friends are just not comparable. I have three friends who are WAW's whose H were NOT the spouse only a fool would walk away from. Their advice is not helpful to me.
Why did he up and walk out on me? Our marriage was unhappy and not working for either of us, but it was fixable. Our problems were perhaps more intense than those of our friends...but not so different. I am a flawed but good person, who has spent nearly the last year becoming someone only a fool would walk away from. He just up and walked out on me. Just shut the door and that was it. The only things he could really say about why he did that were that he was unhappy... and then later added that he realized he was unhappy for even longer than he had originally thought. So he just tossed me and our life aside.
I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve to lose the support and friendship of all of his friends and family (who had also become people I cared for and confided in over the last eight years. They are gone from my life, choosing to stand by his side and essentially cutting me out of their lives.)
Maybe he was just cheating on me (or had an EA first, so in his mind it wasn't cheating.) Maybe he is having a MLC. He said he needed to find happiness. My SIL and his friends have talked to me about how he seems to be on a "quest for happiness." He has been unable to open up and talk with me honestly about this, or even consider the possibility of trying together. He was the gourmet chef of our family and now orders in Chinese food every week for our D. And watches Spongebob with her. Me: What do you like most about daddy's house? D3: I get to eat treats and I get to watch a lot of TV. Even when I tell Daddy that I've already had treats that day, he says, that's ok, you can still have one. Isn't that so silly, Mama?
ok, then.
Dating other women (just one? Many? Who the F knows) while we still share all our bank accounts, and while he is still publicly married to me on FB. Classy. just because you take off your ring and decide you're not married anymore doesn't mean YOU'RE NOT.
Some days I think about all that he's done and I wonder how I ever even loved him in the first place. What kind of person does this?
I think these feelings of chaos and anger stem from the fact that if I am really honest with myself, I just don't believe that he is strong enough to be able to do the work to R with me, even if he actually wanted to. I think I'm about to reach a new step, and it feels scary.
I am a good person. I am a worthy person. I am a loveable person, a beautiful person, a smart person, a great mom.
I deserve better than this. He deserves a kick in the you-know-what.
