Inside my chrysalis 3

[labug]

Ahoy, my H already handles these things on his own, I've always refused to be his mother. ;-) They are big boys, they can do it!

Can I get an amen!

[Ss06]

I made a post that seems to have disappeared into the etherwebs but basically it was a post about understanding that I need to fix this marriage without talking about it. A true challenge but one I am up for. Then I think labug said there was a book out by that same titled, which I have no purchased.

There is still work to be done.

I also posted about a strange convo with H yesterday about attending a birthday party for a 6 year old boy we know. It went like this:

H: So if it's ok, I'd like to ask your permission to go to the birthday party tomorrow.
Me: You're asking my permission? Why? You were invited, too.
H: Well I just thought that since it's your weekend with D that...
Me: Yeah but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to see her at all, right? You were invited to his party and if you want to go, great. If you aren't planning on going, great. We are going and I bought a gift.
H: Ok, well, I didn't want to infringe on your weekend.
Me: It's not infringing and I think it's weird to ask my permission for you to go somewhere you were invited to go. It's not like we don't get along or something like that.
H: Yeah, I guess. So, if it's ok, I'm going to go to the party.
Me: Great.
H: Ok. thanks.

I feel like this behavior is completely out of the blue. It's like he's acting as if we haven't been laughing and having a great time out with friends for the last two months.

What is this about?

I'm feeling a little like this is a little bit of the story he's writing entitled, "the victimization of Ss' husband". I want to smack his face a la Cher in Moonstruck and say "Snap Out of it!".

So we went to the birthday party today and he's hanging out with D to help her with piano homework and to decorate the exterior of the house for Halloween (she so excited!). I'm assuming he'll stay for dinner but he'll probably be very weird about it... something along the lines of "if it's ok, I wouldn't want to put you out, if it's ok with you, maybe I should leave you two alone" craziness. I guess he's trying to be polite and respectful? right? It just feels like he has no self-respect in his effort to be polite and respectful. I don't know. It just feels weird.

Jeez, I hope this posts. I'm ready for this board to be done with maintenance already.

[Card29]

Ss, I don't know if you saw my response but I think you're mind reading, and that's not good for you. Also, maybe it's lost in translation, but it sounds like you were a little aggressive with him when it didn't seem necessary. Just something to consider. Keep it short and positive when in doubt

Also, a technical tip. If you're posting while the board is in maintenance, copy and save these posts to your computer or phone. Any post made right now will probably be lost before maintenance is finished.

You are rocking it overall. Keep working on yourself. Don't waste this opportunity to make changes for you. Your WAH is lucky to have a W willing to fight for him, even when he doesn't necessarily deserve it

[wmwb123]

What is it with the DB forum maintenance? I've never seen another forum go through so much maintenance.

[T384]

SS -

I don't know you're entire story and I'm sure this post will get lost but for your text conversation with H. Do you think there was anything you could change? To me it came across like after you told him he didn't need to ask permission you guys kind of went on about it. If you're trying to be dark I would have left it with a... Sounds great, we already got a gift, we will see you there!

I struggled with being right and had a lot of conversations similar to yours. Too many words. Instead of pointing out he was invited (he knows that) I would have just said something short when he asked if he could go.

Again, I don't know your sitch and I'm not vet but just my .02

[Ss06]

Card, got it. Short and sweet when in doubt. That's a pretty good rule of thumb. I need more practice on that. A lot more.

TO, you're right. I struggle with having to be right and it's even hard to admit that because it means I don't want to be wrong and admitting it means just that. Hahaha. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm fighting that battle.

His asking permission to attend the party could have been a great opportunity for me to say, "Oh yes! We'd love for you to be there! See you then." Instead, I made it about trying to change his perspective when he was just trying to be overly polite. D'oh.

Sometimes I'm ashamed by how much TIME I need to think about a certain situation to see it from a different perspective, namely H's. It's like my side is so ingrained in my head and I'm so freaking stubborn. Gah. How do you unlearn stubbornness?

[claire7]

The best way to learn is to make mistakes, reflect on them (perhaps with feedback from others), and try, try again.

So... you are up to step 3: Next time you get an opportunity, try to handle it a tiny bit differently. (Maybe the first change you can make is to hit pause before you respond to any texts so that you can think it through?)

You are on the right track!

[Ss06]

That convo was actually over the phone, not text. Via text I am GREAT at taking time and thinking about my response really carefully. My verbal reactivity (something I SERIOUSLY need to work on in ALL relationships) completely gets in the way of my verbal editing skills and I just say what's on my mind because it feels "authentic". I need to stop being so "authentic". LOL

[Card29]

Ss, this is what 180's are all about. It will take time and repetition to make them habits, and then more time and repetition to make them part of your personality. Don't get down about backslides, but also don't ignore them or forget to reflect on them and learn from them.

To me, you've already done the hardest thing (at least with this particular trait): Identify and acknowledge your problem. Some people will go their whole lives and never see their flaws. They always believe everything is everyone else's fault. The multiple-divorce demographic is littered with these people.

[labug]

Re lost posts

Yes, those posts are lost but maybe it's helpful that you try to recall what spoke to you.

Let go of the back story and just communicate with your H. Every conversation doesn't have to contain a lesson or manipulation.

"if it's ok, I wouldn't want to put you out, if it's ok with you, maybe I should leave you two alone" craziness. I guess he's trying to be polite and respectful? right?

What's that about for you?

The question to ask is "Why does it bother me?" That's your work. His feelings are his to figure out.

Being in a R with another person, any other person, requires that we respect their feelings even when they differ with ours. Doesn't mean we feel the same but their feelings are just as true to them as our are to us.