Thanks for the probing questions 25yrs. I don't think that apologies or forgiveness was ever modelled in her childhood. Her family doesn't talk like that. She's the only one in the family to say it like it is. Everyone else lives an eminence front. Then it's fair to say she's overcome a deficit from her family of origin, and learned something very valuable, and brave to do. Wow, Good for her!
She's still not sorry for the A. She says she was lonely in our M for years and that's why she went outside to get that need filled - that she kept asking me to spend time with her but I was too busy to comply. So she eventually gave up and walked away. I understand this^^^. I Understand why this would bother you.
Some people won't get why I say the apology is Not key here, but I have a theory about it, which I concede is probably unfairly sexist, okay?
(But hey, sexism works for me...I mean, when it works for me, like when it's time to take out the trash in the dark, or to GO & figure out what made that scary noise downstairs at 3 am...etc )
But seriously, when it comes to affairs, generally speaking, women tie a lot more emotion into A's than some men when they have affairs.
For whatever reason, affairs of wives tend to end marriages more often than affairs of husbands. Maybe part of that is that men can't handle the hit to their pride as well, OR can't forgive as well, or let go, etc.
BUT maybe a part of it is b/c affairs for women, in general, tend to mean more emotionally to wives than to h's, and thus they tend to threaten the marriage more. OR both.
Usually the wife having an affair reports much less satisfaction inside her m to begin with, and thus it is more fragile than the marriages of some men who have A's.
You certainly don't have to agree, but do you understand what i"m saying?
Your wife felt justified with her affair, and she still does. This is upsetting in part b/c you fear she'll do it again, 7 if she's not remorseful, you suspect it's more likely to reoccur. I get that.
But the thing is, you have some "insurance" against her repeating the affair;
IF TWO things happen, neither of which require an apology from her. Those 2 factors are that --
1) you have to forgive her, Not b/c she "deserves" forgiveness, but b/c your marriage cannot survive the A if you don't, AND
2) you have to believe your wife is unlikely to repeat the affair.
You play a large role in that choice of hers. FWIW Every happy long term marriage includes CHUNKS of forgiveness in it. Lots of letting go of the past.
Your wife has given you a ton of information about what, specifically, she needs from you in order for her to be happy inside the marriage. (FWIW Her marital dissatisfaction sounds sincere & believable to me.)
So I doubt you'll again blow off her request for more time together, & I doubt you'll make your career the priority over her again. Am I on target with that?
I think you'll be far more communicative with her to see how you both are doing in the marriage. I think you'll both take steps asap, if either of you feels taken for granted. Assuming that you communicate better than before, and prioritize better than before, you can survive this. But you both will eventually have to do as most vows tell us to do, and go "from this day forward". Which means stop obsessing about the affair and start being in the moment, fully present in the present.
^^^maybe that's your insurance against her ever doing this again.
So you'd know before hand that your spouse's needs were not being met, (or your needs were not being met) -- And you would act on that information, accordingly.
So her needs and your needs would be met, with communication and effort on both parts. Correct?
Does this^^ make sense?
Now I've changed my life. I've dropped my busyness. I've calmed down. She sees it but is afraid it won't last. Just keep doing the "math" of it.
Consistent change on your part + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
But yeah, I've got to stop taking the temp. Stop the R talk. We spent about 8 hours together today and no R talk. At one point she invited me to lie on the bed beside her. I did. that ^^ is a positive. She CAN be around you in close proximity. (Some WAS's can't!) So That's an intimate moment of close space, but was NOT an invitation for more intimacy.
But then I lost control and leaned over and kissed her.
Okay you may think this^^ is a small thing and maybe it is. But it strikes me as unappealing b/c the way you are wording it might be accurate; that is, you "lost control" -- and that's weak and unattractive. Surely you COULD control yourself don't you think? Learn to pick up on her signals more. Let her guide you more and then be ready to take the lead if that's what it looks like.
How has she recently been with regard to you taking the initiative with sex? Were you always/never the one to initiate? Did she ever comment on that? if so, what was her opinion? She really strikes me as someone who WILL give you information if you seek it out, and that's a real advantage for you.
She said "relax". So I just lay down again beside her. It's so hard to control myself. I need to let her set the pace. So that she feels that I'm on her team and not an opponent or pursuer. Yes...be clear that you DO desire her -- but you are a man in control of himself and his emotions, and NOT trying to be in control of anyone else. I also realize that the forgiveness she may grant me is not for me but for her. So she needs to arrive at that at her own pace and in her own way. ^^^Good insight. I read this (below) long ago and love the wisdom herein... it may help you to recall it when you are trying to forgive her or yourself...
"Holding too anger, to punish someone else....is like lighting yourself on fire,
to get smoke in their eyes."
Can I forgive myself? I'm working on that. I find myself still justifying my actions - not truly taking responsibility for how I didn't meet her needs and just sponged up all the love she was giving me.
Wow, I think the more you "handle this"^^, the better your odds at getting thru it all. It also makes sense to me.
it's a brave insight to grasp, and harder to do when you are hurt. So, my hat is off to you. Really, good for you.
The real journey in life is an inward one, so you are definitely digging deep, and bravely, as you must.
I believe that's my next self-improvement project.
She's just so beautiful and I'm so much in love with her that the distance between us hurts. I really need to work on my self-control.
Thanks 25yrs. Good 2x4. I needed that.
Having passion for your wife is great; having a desperate 'need' for her, is a demand and is not great.
Do you understand the difference? IF so, show her the difference. Without words...just be.
Just show interest and detachment and you KNOW I'm going to hammer GAL again.
You just cannot detach without GAL and you can't be i the moment or hide your lack of self control (til you really have it) without detachment.
So it's GAL ----to Detach---to show changes---and Exert self control ---to be attractive to your spouse as you both "relax" around each other, and as you get more comfortable around each other.
As her need for and love language of quality time together is met, (and whatever other need she has) she'll become more comfortable around you, and then you two can build on that. Both interacting and communicaing clearly and as you model for her the changes you made, and speaking more in her love lavage, she will likely follow suit...
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