I really don't think he loves the boat. When H moved all his stuff out of there earlier this year, in an act of desparation she signed it over to H and parked in our driveway. OW wanted H to have it because she knew he liked to fish. This is an expensive boat people! She bought it to keep my H with her, OW was buying my H the whole time he was there. So the boat was bought for my H by OW, even though OW never admitted to my H that that was why she bought it. Just like she bought him an expensive gun safe for his birthday! H MADE her return that and told OW that he didn't want it from HER!
They've known each other maybe a year and two months after H moves in with OW she buys this boat because she knew at that time that my H liked to fish and sold his bass boat a few years ago. Enough ranting I think everyone gets the picture about OW! Even though it is just a boat, to me it's OW.
Yes I WOULD love to be able to buy my H a boat. I miss having a boat. Right now I have four brothers who each have a boat and are willing to let us use it. Maybe next year we can buy a boat.
H had forgotten all about the boat being his name and I think I will go with H if he does have to sign over the boat to whoever buys. She could also mail it to H with a return envelope, but I'm sure she won't think of that.
Totite, thanks for the wonderful suggestions. I had been doing some of those things, but they really didn't seem to matter to H. But then he was still in OW withdrawl and didn't want much to do with me. Now that he seesm recommitted I'll try again!
Hey Cathy~ I soooo understand what you are feeling.
H wanted me to buy his car. I like his car, its a good car. But SHE was in it. When I sat in it, I could feel the energy and it did not make me happy.
I couldn't drive it. I think that because we don't necessarily think of them in terms of a real person, (or at least not someone we want to see) we attach them to some object that was close to them. That object now becomes them.
YUCK!
You are doing so well on this path. I am so glad you are finding some calm and peace for YOU! You have worked so hard and it is wonderful to see that things are really changing.
Quote: That is what you are called to do at this point. Help him to find the same peace that you have so that he may heal from what he has done. That is the only way that he is going to know that he is loveable inspite of what he has done.
So this isn't going to happen over night is it?
Yes it was a process for me to get to the point that I'm at now, it took a lot of soul searching and a lot of help from the BB. My H doesn't have a support person, somebody he can really talk to except ME.
Quote: Remember the release and the peace that it brought you when you figured out that no matter what your mistakes were, you were loved. You were loved so much that he died for you and he died for them too.
Yes, I do remember the release when I went back and faced past issues, my old fears and the peace I found from doing this. I'm still learning like you said, it's a never ending process.
Inside something is telling me that it's time for H to know the peace that I have found and what I have learned. That the lessons I have learned can be learned by all, if people can let God back in their hearts.
One of the oddest things that came out of therapy with H when he came back is how much reassurance he needed. He was afraid with every skirmish or awkward moment, that I was going to kick him out! Now I thought this was ludicrous, who has stood by and waited with 16 months of this nonsense, but he is really unsure about all this. To me it isn't logical, but it is very real to him.
I try and tell him what he means to me, but I also have bought tons of cards (I found really cute .50 and $1 ones at Wal-Mart) and slip them into his pocket or car every so often and they seem to reassure him.
You are a wonderful person and you are doing great things! What a luckey man your H is, and someday he will realize this!
Quote: Although we don't want to admit, they(OW) get hurt as much as we do when all of this ends. They go through certain emotions that we went through because they put their heart out there as well. Am I justifying what they have done? No, but I am saying that they are people with feelings and with souls just like we are.
In a certain way, they were used and then left once they are done with them. They are now paying the consequences for their actions, as well as the prodigal does.
Yes I do feel empathy for some OW, but, they also knew that they were taking up with a M man. That they knew there may never be a chance for them to have a life with the man they feel in love with.
So I think I will take a "middle of the road" opinion here. Yes our H choose to take up with these women. Not all fault lies on one person here. I believe we (H, W and OW) are all to blame.
Yes I believe you are right, I like to give cards. I'll have to check out Wal-mart, Hallmark's a little pricey, wording is tricky, too.
I'm waiting to suggest to my H that we should seek C. I think my H needs to see that it's just not him or it's just not me..that M/R problems are universal.
Alien mind--my H is still in teenager mode/me mode. He is such a child sometimes, the things he says are unbelievably high school teenager like.
Yes H and OW chose to do what they did. H was married, OW knew H was married. It's easier for H and OW to think it "just happened." It "just happened" because they were not thinking of anybody but themselves. They were only thinking of their own pain and trying to end that pain through each other. It worked for awhile because they were living in a dream world. And then reality came crashing in. H came home, OW is alone. And now they have to live with the consequences of their actions, the pain and the hurt that is still there, that was buried becuase they were having "fun" and now it's not fun anymore.
I think OW was living in a dream world, that maybe me H's actions were saying to OW H was staying, that things would work out. But I don't think that H ever said those words to OW.
And the boat, H did try to talk OW out of buying it. Told her not to buy it because he was there, he didn't know if he was staying there, that she should be using that money to live comfortably and to not buy the boat. But OW was determined to buy the boat.
H has said from the start to me and to her "that he didn't know what he was doing" and that is what kept me going, kept me dbing, that H was confused and that H would come back eventually. Whether I had moved on when H decided to come back, that was the big question, not if H came back.
My two cents for the day, so that's four cents so far. Let's go for more!!
Quote: that he didn't know what he was doing" and that is what kept me going, kept me dbing, that H was confused and that H would come back eventually. Whether I had moved on when H decided to come back, that was the big question, not if H came back.
Cathy, If your H really wants a boat, and you really want a boat, and OW would sell/give H the boat for a really good deal, how about buy that boat, sell that boat, then buy another boat? Kind of would profit on the whole OW crap, huh? Now, if she just wants to sell it to H for what it is worth, well, then, might as well buy your own unscathed boat.
Glad to see things going well, and so happy you have found your JOY.
Someone once mentioned to me that maybe it might be easier to start counseling, then invite H to come along... then it doesn't seem like something is wrong with H, but rather you... Don't know if that would work or not.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
lol Totite, I love your ideas!! 
