Standing "still"

[25yearsmlc]

25, how have you been? I hope the family is well and you are doing awesome!

In response, in these posts, they don't always share the details. With the therapist, her text was lengthy enough and in response to my comment that my three children are hurting. For example, one child was involved with substance abuse, casual sex, and dropped out of school. Since then this child has received their equivalency diploma and is studying criminal justice (lol) in order to eventually go to law school. Another child has had a rough time with relationships resulting in leaving college, although is planning on going back to school next month. The last one is my youngest who I have gone into depth already.

I am not saying this to boast but I have a gift for being able to understand or determine underlying meaning from both body languange and the words people use. I am not always 100% accurate but typically I learn that I am usually correct even if it takes time to receive proof.


Hey I'm doing well & thanks for asking. We are facing our life choices together and still working on h' relationships with our d's, who were very hurt when he left. More than you might think all these years later, and despite effort on h's part.
Then again, he did leave for a long time.

Anyhow, back to you and the interpretation of what the T said....

As a L, I choose my words with as much precision as possible. I want to be held accountable ONLY for the words I used, not how someone perceives my body language, or other non verbal "communications". I feel as if my career demands that we be "wordsmiths" of sorts, and words are our tools.

But I'd detest thinking people were not hearing what I actually said... Especially since I've had back surgery and am pain often, I'd really dislike it if someone chose to ignore or dismiss (or give less credence to) the words I choose- in favor o their interpretation of other non verbal 'messages". I know I sigh from pain, and wince at times, and really have to watch out for it so no one thinks they'er boring me.

Plus some men are highly sensitive to what professional women say to them, and some would take a male's words at face value - but even with the exact same wording from a female, they tend to read into what a woman says, more so.

I know for a fact that a colleague and subordinate at work, (and my younger brother as well,) have told me in the past that I "speak aggressively" and my brother actually said "it's like you're a man", which was weird. But telling!

I find I have to really soften/sedate my voice when I disagree in court, or negotiations, b/c some men are intimidated or "uncomfortable around women who project authority" (that's actually what my colleague told me).

Though it isn't "fair" - at least I"m aware of it. But it's a guy thing for the most part, or at least it has been with me. I'm petite, but I think the term "lawyer" and speaking directly (and at times TOO bluntly), does bring that out in men with me. (Thank God I'm not tall and husky, or they'd run for the hills I guess).

With my h, if he feels uncomfortable or remorseful for anything, then my tone really gets examined and scrutinized by him, and it's times like that I wish he'd only listen to the content of my words,

-- and NOT his fears or guilt. or whatever else he projects onto me. Like I Said, I really do choose my words carefully...at times I truly do act as if I took a valium, b/c talking to h when he's upset requires it, at least when we discuss the "ordeal" or marital challenge we had...or if he thinks I'm upset with him.

Anyhow, I just don't think it's very fair to the T to go with your gift over her wording.

B/C let's face it, it means in effect, you "get to decide" what people mean to say, even in the face of their contradictory words.

(So why bother having anyone use the spoken word with you? Just look at them and glean their meaning.. ) BTW, Was this something you developed inside your marriage or more so after the divorce?

(I'm not "going anywhere" specific with this, although I found your response to my "Hey, don't mindread", really surprising and I wanted to comment on it).

In my personal general experience, b/c I don't know your children's t, I find that therapists use their words carefully...so I still don't think you can skip that and

1) rely on your gut or your gift, and 2) I definitely disagree with you telling other people that she said 'X', when in fact it's what you inferred & not what she said.

In a way, you are not only mind reading, but you're holding yourself out as qualified to do so. Just give that some thought, okay?

Just my .02

I have known my childrens therapist for six years and I watch her mannerisms and her word choices. Even though the conversation where this issue came up was via texting, there was enough history and experience along with her word choices that led me to believe that she is pointing toward me as the cause, specifically that I am not dating. It isn't the first time she has asked. She isn't the only one. I have been asked by many people and I just casually accept their good intentions instead of justifying the reason I prefer not to date.

She confirmed that she meant "dating" may help my children. She didn't mean going out with friends or joining a club. She specifically said to date. And I know you didn't have that information. I would probably draw the same conclusion if someone else wrote my words.

Fair enough. But given the intent behind her opinion, why "resent" it? I don't get that. I DO get why people would tell you to move on, and their belief is that by dating, you'd prove you are not pining for your w still and "refusing to accept reality". It's possible your kids are worried about you.

I'm sure you know that some of the "Standers" here, who are waiting for years really are just waiting....They ARE standing still. They are Not being happy or making the most of their lives, or digging deep to truly work on themselves, or improving or changing...it seems sort of lazy but maybe is more fear based. (for instance maybe they fear they really are unlovable or whatever the WAS told them was wrong with them was ALL true and they're going to die alone and under a bridge...) And they can get self righteous or become martyrs and sniff on the holidays but insist that NOTHING is wrong... and that is a turn off and or --for the kids---maybe yours too---possibly worrisome.

Maybe you can "Act as if" a bit more blatantly. ("Yee haw kids! I'm having a BLAST!!! )

Or just tell them you are genuinely content with your life as it is...and be honest with them so they don't worry.

See, imo, IF they are worried about you, that IS probably a hinderance to their growth & happiness, b/c their focus is not on their own path, but yours....

Make sense?

Something I think is important that I should relate. I am "safe" for my children. They know they will never lose my love and I will always be there for them. I am not saying I will save them from a lesson they need to learn but they know I won't turn my back on them, no matter how bad.

Kids need an emotional rock in their lives and it's best when they have more than 2 (like both parents AND a sibling, or a favorite uncle, etc) who will truly be there... but at least yours have you.

My XW isn't the same, unfortunately. There have been many times that she will cease keeping in touch with friends and even her children, if she feels slighted or disappointed. Please do not get me wrong. She is a good mother but has a flaw. We all have flaws including me, believe it or not.

Her flaw is giving up on people too easy. She has many good character traits. I just wish she didn't give up on others.

The point I am trying to make is that my kids aren't worried about anything they say or do to me. With their mother, they are much more careful. They dare not say anything negative about her. It wasn't until recently that my youngest actually said to me that mom gives up to easily and she left all of us. He kept that to himself for eight years. To my knowledge, he has never said that to his therapist or anyone else. He told me that he didn't want to say that to anyone.

I've heard similar things from my youngest and my h DID come back!...Geez be careful what you wish for...(kidding ---sort of)

Back to your other questions, would I allow reconciliation?

First, any of this isn't up to me. It would take a literal miracle for a restoration. I have almost stopped praying for a marriage restoration and instead have asked God if He will bring my XW and my children to rely on Him and Him alone. I have even said to Him that I would prefer that over ever having my family whole again. I do not normally share this but it is how I feel.


I relate. I eventually just prayed that His will be done AND that He let me know what the heck his will for us was! But you know, I can't guarantee I did what He wanted rather than simply convincing myself that it was....know what I Mean?

I rationalize things so well, there are times I'm not sure if I'm doing it, OR if it's really my reasoned and thought out opinion.

I do not believe restoration is possible without God in our lives being number one. Some would probably disagree but to me that is why it failed in the first place. If I treated her as God told me to, things may have been different. She may have still left or she may have stayed and worked through these issues but I did not make her feel safe.

I think to answer "how would my marriage be different" relies on "how have I changed."

While I am a work in progress, I sincerely hope that I would treat her as God would want me to, ie to be willing to "sacrifice" myself as Jesus did for the church.

In the past, I got my feelings hurt too easily. I had to be right. I still battle this but I think before I respond now. While many people would argue against this, her feelings would have to be more important than my own. In my opinion, she should never have to worry about me going off when frustrated with work or other situations.

But when it comes down to it, it is up to God. Trusting Him is what I need to do each day.

The question remains, do I love her. Yes. I love her no matter how much I have hurt. I look at my children and have been hurt repeatedly. I still love them. I am called to love my wife only second to God (and of course Jesus). Unconditionally. I think that is where my love comes from because I can't explain it any other way.

Thank you 25.

You're very welcome. And your post is so Well said....but a bit vague. I want you to consider answering that question again, not for me per se, but for you.

Flesh out a few specifics so you know what it might look like to love her as God instructed. IT's not going to be easy for sure, or more men would be doing it.

But I think you'd benefit (and wouldn't we all) benefit by thinking about what God would want us to treat our spouses like....it does require belief in God of course. My h came back from his deployment to the Middle East much LESS a believer. He sort of threw out the baby with the bath water, as he was very turned off by the religious zealotry he saw over there. IF we were dating this would be a deal breaker but we are married. So there's that.

Anyway, I also heard someone suggest that when you are in an emotional discussion with your spouse, REMIND yourself of how you saw your h/w on your wedding day.

Then ask yourself how you'd have handled the "Y" issue, on that day.

That sounded like a good idea. So, can you give a few examples? I do sense the need to be right in there, but hopefully you have gained enough self awareness and learned some new ways of avoiding that trap, to have it licked soon.

Also I cannot now recall what your w's biggest complaints were about the M, but did you find any of them valid enough to work on them?

IF so what did your wife say about those changes if anything? I'm simply curious.

Good luck with those kids of yours. I'm very glad they have you.

More later...