Why are you tired of being alone, Cali? What can you do to fix that?
It seems to me it's important that we are good on our own before we get into (or back into) any relationship. Don't want to look to someone else to make us whole, you know? This is even more true for you and I since we never knew any life without our W's.
Ok, so .. .I am actually ok with being alone, but I guess I just miss her, and my family. Together for 24 like I said, we would still be able to take a 4 hour drive with no radio, just talk, we had such a great connection. I miss sharing the nights, cooking for the family, being a family. I can be alone, but would rather have my family back... just that fact you cant have what you want type syndrome. I have GAL, Harley, Softball, Football, Church, soon to hit up a Bible study ... then I just run out of days.
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She has to love herself before she can love you. People in MLC do not love themselves.
I do think there is alot to that.... she even mentioned the last little spat she tried to bait me into that she uses me for comfort, but knows deep down I deserve better than someone like her. I just looked at her, knowing she has all this guilt, shame, and has been fighting the self esteem all her life, I can not understand it as she is a very beautiful woman ... she knows it at times, but I think she does not like who she has become and getting older scares her to death.
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There you go, just give this some time and see what happens. If you're going to stand you have to take steps to make it work for you. You can do this.
Thats where I am at, I look big picture I am far from where I was, I have used the gift of time, She no longer seems to "hate" me and has started looking inward and has stopped blaming me for it all, she makes it a point to thank and appreciate me with making sure S has homework done, coaching his team ... just being a good father which I take pride in. However this has been making her feel like less of a mother I think, he is clearly a daddy's boy, he feels safe with me, we talk, I am open with him about the sitch ... not tossing her under the bus, but just answering questions as best I can for him. (She made the mistake of having OM early on involved doing things with S and OM's 2 kids .... my S clearly knew something was very wrong, I had no idea of OM at the time ... and once I did that was a very firm boundary I set. one I still get heated about when I think of it)
SideTracked... lol So Thanks FY, its hard to disagree when someone is right, we all have different but similar situations, none less painful than the others, we all want each other to succeed and sometimes we are just to close to the forest and it takes another to point out a subtle observation that ... well lets face it .. any small tweak or adjustment could be a M saver, or at the least save someone days/weeks/months of more pain and torture.
W TM me about an hour ago asking me to call her, so I went outside and called her, PMA said good morning, she wanted to talk about my Dr Appt, she is clearly concerned .... offered and almost fought me to let her go with me. I refused, one its my issue and we just are not "there" yet ....TWO, like I told her, maybe its something, maybe its not ... at this point I do not anticipate getting any answers, ad I would let her know what the next step is. 3, she takes over, always has ... asks questions that do not address the situation, I just do not want that. She did ask me "Cali....What if this is serious?" I could hear the fear in her voice, maybe a good thing that she can think of her life without me ... I don't think its serious .. but I did tell her all the life insurance is in place, I don't think you can retire and move to Cabo on it .. but is should pay for S college and you are taken care of. Then she said "S is attached to you , not me" And I got a little choked up and told her "I know, but I do not have a doubt you will be able to step in and be there for him, I just don't think God has done all this, brought me this far... to this point only to pull the plug and take me now, I am not ready, I have more to do here. I do not want you to worry ok?" Then I changed the subject and talked about church and where she was taking me for my Bday, she asked what I wanted to do .. and I just validated that her offer to dinner was nice, maybe a walk after (She loves to walk after eating out) and I did throw out I would just like to enjoy her company (I thought that would be a nice thing for her to hear, and in a way make it more about us, almost a date without saying "date")
Was a nice heart to heart ... and I told her to have a great day and I would let her know how things went and not to worry, but I thanked her for her concern.
