Quote: Do you know just exactly what it is that she can giv him that you need to work on?
A boat... just kidding. I'm thinking of going to the sporting good store and standing by the ad and explaining the sitch to people as the walk by.. or writing "homewrecker" on the picture of the boat. I think a lot of woman will understand this even if they don't know the "details" of why the boat is for sale... As I know a lot marriages that broke up over their S's excessive sporting habits!!
I know to my H it's just a boat, but to me it's OW? Like I want OW in our garage, in our lives, want our S riding around with OW, I know I won't EVER ride in a boat owned by OW.
As far as what I can give H, I'm trying my damnest to figure it out. Honestly, I don't know that my H knows either. Instead of guessing I should just come out and ask him so I do know and don't get blindsided again!
Think back on any conversations you may have had about ow. I can't tell you how many times my H's answer to the question "why" was " It's somebody to talk to ".
If I had my listening ears on, it would have sunk in a long time ago. He now thinks she is "brutally honest" give me a break!! So, it is my job to "listen & validate". She isn't honest. She manipulates. Honesty would have said, go home, talk to your wife, don't call me. I'm not a part of you R.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Yes I'm sure she was somebody to talk to, but about what I don't know. She also doesn't have any children so could devote a lot of attention to my H.
Maybe it's the fact that she needed somebody, she had just lost her H. My H looks like her deceased H. OW kept pictures of her deceased all over the house. OW was able to travel with H whenever she felt like it, we have a child. My H liked her becuase she was "ambitioius" which I don't quite understand what he means. I like to think I'm just as ambitious, but H refuses to acknowledge anything I do or give me credit for anything I do. I agree she must be ambitioius "I mean to take someone else's H, that's pretty ambitious.
I don't know how much my H shared with her about his life, other than he wasn't happy. I have the feeling that he didn't share the things with her that he did with me though.
A long overdue Hello to you, Cathy ... you just might want to consider selling your story to TNT ... talk about drama!!
Quote: Now I'm paying more attention to this behavior, thinking on it. I need to show H on a daily basis that I do care for him, just casual touching, eye contact, smiles just for him, little things for H. Fill up his luv tank. I wasn't very good about it in the past.
... and yet ...
Quote: H then asked "if I cared if he was back/if I cared that he was gone" I said yes I do care that you're back, I'm glad that you're back. H said "no you don't" so I just said "okay" and that conversation ended. I can't convince H that I care, so I wasn't going to argue with him.
Cathy, you're sending all the right signals and yet he's not seeing it! It blows my mind. It does seem like something in particular that he is looking for is missing? He's brought this up several times, so I'm guessing he will again. Instead of just agreeing with him by saying "OK." ... what if ... "I'm sorry you feel that way, but what is it about me that makes you say that?" "What do you think would be different if you felt like I cared for you?" "As I do care for you so, I want to know where the breakdown is, as its not fair to either of us if you're not sensing that I do care." I understand how you want to avoid an agruement, but getting H to interact in a constructive discusion could end up in bring to light a direction you can take with your 180's you can work into little daily rituals that show him you do care.
Maybe it might be something as small as each day when you make eye contact, asking "I would like to know if you are alright?" or just saying, "I want you to know I do care." or "I was just thinking about you." Just a gentle daily re-enforcement you initiate so he doesn't have to bring it up.
... but the more insight you can get from him, the better you'll understand which 180's will work.
Quote: H has been loving towards me, he's thoughtful. He's been initiating kisses good night, kisses good bye in the morning. Told me this morning to have a good day.
This is great news! It means he has made the choice to try at working things out. However, keep in mind this doesn't mean he is convinced it will work out. Basically, at this point he is intuitively acting "as-if" to see if it does come back. So respond as positively as you can to his acting "as-if" like Betsy's & Merridith's Bob Barker personna.
Hey ... the light bulb just went off when trying to think of a response about the boat ... What if you suprised H by buying a bass boat (and obviously a different one than OW is selling) and have it sit in the driveway for him to see ... better yet be sitting in it with fishing pole in hand so when he sees you, you say, "Well what are you waiting for let get this baby on the water!" ? ... (So what if the lakes are still frozen over!)
Quote: what if ... "I'm sorry you feel that way, but what is it about me that makes you say that?" "What do you think would be different if you felt like I cared for you?" "As I do care for you so, I want to know where the breakdown is, as its not fair to either of us if you're not sensing that I do care."
I was thinking about this this morning and that I should have said something like this and next time will. I feel like I'm doing caring things, but if that's not what H sees as caring then I guess H should tell me.
I sometimes think that H doesn't care about himself and if he doesn't care about himself wonders why I care about him I'm mind reading though.
I wish I COULD afford to buy H a bass boat, the kind H wants is very expensive. I ASSume he says this kind of stuff to get a rise out of me, to make me jealous. H would often bring up wife #2 in the same way he does OW so it's an attention getter for my H. Eventuall Wife #2 comments dropped off, H hasn't mentioned #2 in a long time. Unless it's to say how "she hurt him so badly," too. He said the same EXACT same thing to me, that he said about her when this all started-- "You don't know what she/you did to me?" EXACT words.
There is a hidden message in what he is telling you and he may not know for sure what it is, but there is something that he is missing that he doesn't feel that you care.
There is definitely something that he is trying to say and something that he is trying to ask you for. There is also the issue of you working through your unforgiveness for this OW. You have every justifible right to be upset with her, but she is also someone that has been blinded by satan as well.
She does not have to become your best friend or anything like that, but you do need to work through the forgiveness part of it as well. She did not steal your husband away from you, he willingly went. That is something that can not be forgotten, because she would not have been with him if he would not have chose to go be with her. So be very careful about blaming her for all that has happened.
I know that it is not an easy thing to do. It is hard to remember that they are being held captive as well and need to be released so that they can find happiness and not be used like this again.
Although we don't want to admit, they get hurt as much as we do when all of this ends. They go through certain emotions that we went through because they put their heart out there as well. Am I justifying what they have done? No, but I am saying that they are people with feelings and with souls just like we are.
In a certain way, they were used and then left once they are done with them. They are now paying the consequences for their actions, as well as the prodigal does.
As for your husband, there maybe nothing that you can say or do. I would highly recommend that you pray to the Lord to enter into his heart and give him the peace and the love that he is so desparately looking for. He is not going to get that from you. You can try with all your might, but there was also a void in your life that only the Lord could fill and he filled that void while you were on your journey. Maybe that is what you should be sharing with your husband so that he can get the same comfort and peace that you have within you.
Then your marriage will be being built on the Lord, which will make it even stronger then what it was before. Just my thoughts.
Quote: There is a hidden message in what he is telling you and he may not know for sure what it is, but there is something that he is missing that he doesn't feel that you care.
Has anyone seen the movie Miracle on Ice? There's a scene in that movie where the coach makes the players do drills, over and over again, they are pretty much beaten to the ice when one players "gets it" and says what the coach wants to hear and he then dismisses the players. That's kind of how I feel about my H saying "I don't care" Something is missing from his life and he doesn't quite know what that is either.
Quote: As for your husband, there maybe nothing that you can say or do. I would highly recommend that you pray to the Lord to enter into his heart and give him the peace and the love that he is so desparately looking for. He is not going to get that from you. You can try with all your might, but there was also a void in your life that only the Lord could fill and he filled that void while you were on your journey.
Since there is nothing I can do to MAKE my H see or feel anything, praying is what I've been doing. I have been doing that daily.
The OW, I caught myself the other day praying for her she, too, is a lost soul. I'm sure she's feeling the pain I felt when H left me on top of the fact that she never got over the passing of her H.
Quote: Maybe that is what you should be sharing with your husband so that he can get the same comfort and peace that you have within you.
This is a good idea, worth a try. Other than the BB, I haven't really shared my new spirtuality with anybody. I did tell H I have found this new spirtuality so he knows, but I haven't it shared that with H.
Quote: As for your husband, there maybe nothing that you can say or do.
This is how I feel, deep down I think H is trying to find his way and the pain is getting in the way.
I have to agree that the ow maybe a lost soul. But come on, when they started this crap, they knew what they were doing. Just yesterday, I had screamed at the devil to get the he// out of my life, H's life and ow's life. I do pray that H and ow are awakened ( for lack of better word).
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
You are still learning also, but you are doing great. Keep asking the Lord what you should do because they both need to know the Lord in the same way that you do.
That is the only way she is going to be healed from the pain that she has suffered from the loss of her husband. That way, she won't make the same mistake again by going after what isn't hers and then having to suffer the loss when they go back home.
Definitely share with him the same thing that you have. Even if he doesn't accept it right away, he will. One day he is going to look up instead of down all the time and you need to be the one that shows him the way.
That is what you are called to do at this point. Help him to find the same peace that you have so that he may heal from what he has done. That is the only way that he is going to know that he is loveable inspite of what he has done.
Remember the release and the peace that it brought you when you figured out that no matter what your mistakes were, you were loved. You were loved so much that he died for you and he died for them too.
You are doing great Cathy and there is going to much work to do in order to get to where the Lord wants you guys to be, but it will be worth all the work.
Haven't seen Miracle yet. I think that would be too emotional for me since I love hockey, grew up in Herbies neighborhood and passed the accident site within hours of it happening. My D9 wants to see it though.
A couple of thoughts on your last few posts:
Quote: I don't know hat was going through his head, but OW is selling her bass boat, it's posted at one of the sporting good stores and H came up with the idea that he wants to buy it!! It's a good deal he said. I was stunned and said no! He just doesn't get it either, why I would have a problem with his buying her boat...hello!! I sarcastically remarked "oh so she's not fishing anymore? Hmmmm she bought it because she wanted to try something different and now she's selling it? hmmm"" I mean is my H really that blind or he just stupid?! The boat is in my H's name, also.
Two thoughts - (leaving the sarcasm out of it but I know that is just what you'd like to say not what you really say - LOL!), explain to him why it would hurt you to see this boat all of the time. Tell him it would be a reminder of something that hurt you deeply or whatever it is that you feel. Let him know that you wish you were in the position to buy him one, but maybe you can both save towards getting one.
Then you say the boat is in his name. Then you should expect her to call him because legally he has to sign off on the sale of the boat. He will need to sign the title over to whomever buys it. That is also likely to cause him to backtrack a bit if he loves the boat as much as you say.
One last thought, and this will take incredible strength on your part, but if it were me, I would offer to go with him to sign over the title. Say I now this is difficult and uncomfortable for you, but I would like to support you and be there for you to show you how much I care....
I think your H needs to hear the words and feel the support from you. You may think you are doing it already, but go for it, drop any inhibitions and fill up his cups with words and actions. Say it out loud so he isn't left reading your mind either.
Regarding the conversation that happened the other night about you caring or no, you said that you probably will tell that you care next time it comes up - but what if in the meantime he is thinking "she doesn't care, she doesn't care" in his head?
Show him you car - put a note in his pocket, his lunchbox, in his vehicle, on the bathroom mirror (in red lipstick), on the driveway in sidewalk chalk, etc. Then when he asks about it just grin and say - "well I was just making sure you knew how much I care..."
JMHO
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
just kidding. I'm thinking of going to the sporting good store and standing by the ad and explaining the sitch to people as the walk by.. 
or writing "homewrecker" on the picture of the boat. I think a lot of woman will understand this even if they don't know the "details" of why the boat is for sale... 
It blows my mind. It does seem like something in particular that he is looking for is missing? He's brought this up several times, so I'm guessing he will again. Instead of just agreeing with him by saying "OK." ... what if ... "I'm sorry you feel that way, but what is it about me that makes you say that?" "What do you think would be different if you felt like I cared for you?" "As I do care for you so, I want to know where the breakdown is, as its not fair to either of us if you're not sensing that I do care." I understand how you want to avoid an agruement, but getting H to interact in a constructive discusion could end up in bring to light a direction you can take with your 180's you can work into little daily rituals that show him you do care.
... What if you suprised H by buying a bass boat (and obviously a different one than OW is selling) and have it sit in the driveway for him to see ... better yet be sitting in it with fishing pole in hand so when he sees you, you say, "Well what are you waiting for let get this baby on the water!" ? 
... (So what if the lakes are still frozen over!)