Time with H has really been doing a number on me. As I’ve posted, it gets my expectations up and then I start getting frustrated when H is not where I am. I end up lashing out at H, not nearly as badly as I used to but I still get enough zingers in here and there that it has an adverse affect. It’s what I do when I’m afraid or hurt. I quickly realize the error of my ways and apologize but then I end up beating myself up for screwing up AGAIN. It’s a vicious cycle that is really beating me down and I have been unsuccessful thus far at consistently breaking the pattern. I spoke at length with my IC yesterday about this whole dynamic and she felt strongly that I really need to start taking care of myself and I should back away from H for a bit.
So, I’m going dark for a while and focusing on me. Although I suppose it’s not dark in the traditional sense because IC suggested I be totally transparent with H about what I am doing, basically just be really honest and tell him that I need a break to take care of myself for a while. It’s really not a tactic to change things up or spark his interest; it really is to get myself emotionally stronger again.
The good news is I think this strategy aligns with what you all are recommending --- get the focus back on ME. The bad news is, I’m just not in a place where I can do that very well with H in the mix. Yes, it may ultimately push H away during this fragile pre-piecing time. But the fact is I don’t have a snowballs chance in he11 to get through piecing if I can’t figure out how to get my emotional strength up when I’m down like this.
Fortunately the timing is good. H is traveling next week so it will be quite easy to have no contact. I hate posting this. I feel like a failure. It’s just all too painful for me and when I am in pain I tend to behave badly. D4’s bday is coming up and so is our anniversary. That’s really throwing me too. D’s birth was so special for us. Our anniversary is going to be brutal. My IC actually strongly recommended that I do NOT spend time with H on our anniversary; she thought it was too high risk for me to lose it and then regret and beat myself up. It’s a little less than 2 weeks away. I figure I don’t need to decide right this minute.
So, back to GAL, here’s what I have planned. As hard as it is when I’m down it truly is the #1 thing that gets me emotionally back on track: *today – work, meetings in the morning, planning to do some reading up on industry trends in the afternoon. Clean up email! Get back to house items --- call for lawn care estimates *tonight – I’ll have the kids, plan D4’s bday party, send invites. *tomorrow – work during the day, kid free tomorrow night. Go running! *Saturday – kids soccer in the am (this one might be tough, H will be there), meeting a friend for a hike and dinner out in the afternoon/evening *Sunday – visit Dad in the am, kids home in the afternoon.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
