Yeah I am pretty sure its stress, possibly vision related. And as far as the friend thing, I have ... well lets call em "buddies" I have some guys on the softball team, on the football team ... but when it comes right down to it I just dont feel comfortable showing the underbelly if you will. My IC has been working with me on accepting invites, being more social ... like you the W did slowly and gradually help me alienate myself from friends.
So ... this roller coaster, sometimes its them at the controls .... other times I think its us. I for whatever reason have this burning desire to push, its been about a year ... and I want off. Then I catch myself, things have been going well .... anything that could be perceived wrong I have no proof of (Ie if the OM is still involved, her lying, etc). I set a boundary a few weeks ago, and she made a point .... (To fill it in, I told her no "fake" family time ... I needed proof OM was out of the picture, she was receptive to that and agreed but she felt it controlling .... as the MLCrs script goes, she did say she wanted to try, and she agreed to the NC letter but needed to trust the changes I have made were real, everything I read here told me to stick to my guns but I was reminded of a letter 25 posted about how it took years and years of broken hopes/promises to get the WAW to this point, and sometimes us LBS make all these changes and expect the W to believe in them in just weeks/months.) So I was in a pickle, stick to my guns, or have a boundary pushed back in my lap. I decided to compromise and put things on hold a bit, use a little more time, knowing her brothers issues would be hitting soon, knowing she will run to me for support as she has over the last year when ever storms hit. Figuring I can continue to work on me, avoid the backslides which I've done and take the opportunities to prove I have changed.
Speaking of change, just senseless chatter with my S (7) ... we were talking about his day, he had a bad one and little guy has a temper, I asked him in a fun way whose temper did he have, he told me both, but then said something that made me happy, he said mine has changed, I am not loud when I get upset anymore, he said that he noticed I have changed .... kinda floored me and made me realize I have, with a lot of Gods help, I have more work but it was strangely validating that the one person I cherish most noticed and told me.
So back to the push thing, I really do not want to... but there is a point where I am either good enough or I'm not, I am tired of the limbo and being alone and at some point I have to stop spoon feeding her, she has not pressed the D in some time, she seems to be making an effort in communicating and has been pleasant I am just not certain if that's to keep the peace, or if she is peeking out the tunnel a bit. I am not certain she will look at me as her husband again, I can not just be a friend when I still love her this way. 24 years I have loved that girl, 24 years .... I just dont know any different
Patience, I am better off with her now than I was a year ago, hoping she realizes what we had is worth fighting for, she has just started IC and I need to let this play out and allow God the time to work, Patience ... ugh, not my strong point .... just felt good to vent this out.
