Inside my chrysalis 3

[labug]

Ss, I just read your response to 25 and you sound a lot like me when my H left. I had all the answers, he did nothing, I kept it together blah, blah, blah.

I agree with 25 and to go further, it seems you still see yourself in the "save the day" mode and in order for the M to work he has to come around to your way of thinking. Is that true?

From my M, my H and I have common interests and individual interests. I tried to get him to like everything I liked, I thought that's what couples did. Wrong. Unrealistic and controlling expectation. I discovered during our time apart that I could do all those things with friends, I didn't have to drag him along or get POd if he didn't have the same enthusiasm for David Sedaris that I did. Being attached at the hip is not what makes a great R. I don't know if this was a factor in your M but I think most of us have some version of this.

I've learned I let my H be who he is and in doing that he's been more willing to meet my needs. Oh the wicked date night, that brings back bad juju for me. I can remember crying on the phone to H after he left "All I wanted was for you to take me out to dinner occasionally." (that's really not ALL I wanted and he knew that) Now if I want a date night, I suggest it. He also suggests things. I'm not waiting on him to make me happy or do things that I enjoy. When I stepped back and gave him room he became an active partner in the R.

And (25 will love this) I quit keeping score. No more "you never" or "I always." No bringing up crap from ancient history.

Another factor, no grading of their performance and I'm not talking about sex. Our Hs may do things differently but it doesn't mean it's wrong. And if no one gets killed then let it go.

I don't worry about or remind him of his doctor appts. I don't comment on his food choices (well, last week I did mention the amt of preservatives he eats. As it came out of my mouth I knew I shouldn't have) I don't remind him about doing things around the house. I don't finish his sentences, I look at him when he talks and try to really listen. (I'm 50-50 on that one)

This has been a huge change for me and as you can see above it's not always easy and I make mistakes. But one negative drop in a sea of positives is less hurtful than a sea full of negatives.

You can do this.