Flingin' That Otter Across Two States!

[Shining]

Heather, it succcks to have to ask for help, especially with the history between you and the family.

Reaping what you've sown? Maybe, but it could also be just another lesson in this whole process.

You're really doing so great. You have a ton on your plate, but you'll get there. One thing at a time.

I read an old post of yours on M Go Blue's thread. Probably 2 days or so after you registered. We have a few things in common, just as you mentioned earlier.

Once you get on your feet, and you own that new life like a boss, I'm coming after you for some brain picking. .

Hang in. You're awesome, lessons and all. You got this.

[LoisB]

Thank you Shining. Pick this brain any ol' time. :-)

I actually have a day, somewhat free!!

I feel like asking for more money is taking all these steps backward. I hate that person who needed all that help financially and made all those bad financial decisions. I don't want to be her anymore. I guess that's why I was killing myself, trying to avoid asking for help.

I think, for whatever reason--whether or not he helps me this time or not--I needed to feel all this. I need to forgive myself.

[LoisB]

I feel like a schmuck. That's what it feels like. And, in some ways, I've acted like one. I need to own it.

I lived with a very greedy, manipulative addict for a long time and I adopted a lot of his ways of being...especially when it came to money. That's not on Smokey though...That's on me. I took on values that didn't really mesh with who I am.

I think poverty changes you too.

Regardless, it's on me and I need to own it. I do feel much more sensitive to the situations of others...when it comes to money.

I know what it feels like to be stretched so thin emotionally that you just don't have it in you to earn a buck.

IDK...just working through some of this ick about money today. Trusting that I asked the question and God will provide me with an answer.

[Shining]

I'm glad you have a little time....I won't take up too much today.

So, I'm doing some digging.... And trying to learn the when, what, how and why of these patterns I follow. I came across this post of yours:

H told his mom he was going to marry me someday when he was 14 and I was 12. I think i partly married him because he adored me and I thought he would never, ever abandon me. Surprise!!!

This resonated with me on a huge level. For my H, I was "the girl". As in "the one that got away". His family has told me countless stories about things H said back in jr. high and high school, about me.

I thought he would love me forever, never hurt me, never leave me, you know. That stuff. I felt "safe". It was a sense of security in that I would never be alone again. Surprise! .

So, I know the MLC is not about me. And he may love me very much. I happen to believe he does. But that doesn't mean we could have a healthy M.

I would be foolish to ignore my end of things, why I gravitate toward certain guys, etc.

What is it you learned about you, and how did you get to that knowledge? I know we are different people with different sets of circumstances, so your answers won't necessarily be my answers. I'm curious, though, to know your perspective on why we seek what we seek.

[LoisB]

First off, IMO, this doesn't have anything to do with love...like you said. In fact, I think some MLC-er's crisis is triggered when they reach a stage of the relationship where things feel very comfortable and intimate and deep. That's about when Smokey when off the deep end again. He always did this dance with me where we would achieve this deep level of intimacy (get married, have a baby, settle into middle-age) and he would take about 10 steps away from me. In this case, more like 50 steps.

It's like there was always this child inside of him that was very fragile, sad, insecure and, most of all, AFRAID. He never seemed to trust unconditional love.

[LoisB]

I was attracted to Smokey because he was as broken as I was. We both came from very troubled homes. In his case, he was adopted but never told about it until he was 13. I met him around the time he learned of this adoption.

We understood each other's pain in terms of abandonment.

Problem was...Smokey coped with his problems with substances and running away. I became more entrenched in him...looking for safety...he ran further.

[Shining]

It's like there was always this child inside of him that was very fragile, sad, insecure and, most of all, AFRAID. He never seemed to trust unconditional love.

Bingo.

>sigh<

I didn't break that, and I can't fix that, so I've been told. Interesting. Gotta keep fixing me. Maybe he will follow, maybe he won't.

[LoisB]

Shining,

Maybe Smokey and your H felt safe to us because they represented what we learned first as kids? In my case, insecurity masked by bravado...immaturity, selfishness...IDK.

I know I loved him deeply. I love him still and I do believe God brought us together for a reason. But, as strongly as I believe this...I also believe...just as strongly, that God wants me to be more than I was. I believe God removed Smokey from our lives in order for us to become stronger in ourselves and more able to serve a purpose in this world...beyond taking care of Smokey and dealing with his insanity.

[LoisB]

And, I'm also willing to open myself up to dating men who...maybe don't give me that initial chemistry. I've always been someone who relies on my instincts heavily. In the case of men, I'm not sure I should trust my instincts. Maybe it's time to look at this more practically...And, allow the chemistry to come later??? IDK.

[LoisB]

Have we gone back in time?