I've stayed home for the last 12 years and am just now looking to return to my career. I can tell you that the twelve years of SAHMing got to be more and more of a slog as time went by. My H seemed to have a great life -- lunches out, interesting travel, dinners, happy hours, a paycheck that validated the value of his work, and regular performance reviews to let him know how well he was doing in his job.
I had NONE of that. My job never required me to dress better than yoga pants and a t-shirt (though I did, to make myself feel better). My minimum standard for a good day was getting a full cup of HOT coffee in the mornings and a shower. I always got the coffee and mostly got the shower, but the coffee was not always hot and not usually a full cup.
My husband said he valued what I did, but I didn't FEEL valued. Society tends to belittle SAHMs, as though we're just watching the kids play and eating bonbons the rest of the day. I dealt with the kids all day long, and I was the one who got up with them in the night, too, EVERY TIME. My husband would dry heave at the sight of vomit, so who gets that job? Well, we can't leave it laying around, can we?
Now I'm looking for a job, and I anticipate it's going to change EVERYTHING for me. Finally, someone will SHOW me how valuable I am. Finally my education will be put to good use, and I'll have feedback as to whether I've done something right. I'll meet people and go to dinners (when my childcare situation permits), and I'll have someone besides a four year old to look at me when I do my hair and put on make up.
The relief of finally getting appreciated for your work, validated in your contributions, and possibly even thanked from time to time... you can't know what that feels like. It's like finally discovering you're human again. It's like coming out of a cave into the light.
I'm not going to say that you guys didn't appreciate your wives, because you're writing as though you did. But you can't know just how very, very lonely the job of SAHM can be, and if the intimacy was lacking, if you weren't aware of how lonely the job was and how unappreciated your wives felt, then of course you're going to blame the job for her leaving, rather than considering what a difference the change in lifestyle makes for her expectations of how good her life can be.
You all clearly love your wives a lot, and I'm sure you didn't intend, or even realize, how they might have felt. Possibly your wives were so immersed in the busy-ness of that lifestyle that they did't realize it either. But if you point fingers at their new careers, rather than looking a little deeper at what a difference those careers made to them, then you're going to be missing some really valuable and helpful information.
You know, my two cents.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
