still holding on - 4

[u-turn]

Thanks guys for commenting.

It's Thursday and I ALWAYS feel differently on Thursday (I have no idea why). I get a little pushy, a little destructive. I am trying to dial that back and figure out what happens on Thursday. I will vent here.

I do feel like it may be about power with her. I feel used. She has the power to do whatever she wants, manipulate the entire situation to fit into whatever plan she has. Keep anything she needs in her back pocket until she wants or needs to use it. I sometimes think she has it all figured out and this is exactly the way she wants it.

She claims the apposite - she has lost power in all of this. But I feel that She has complete control and she is just playing a game.

(Here's some honesty - she started taking birth control pills 3 months ago - not needed for our relationship obviously - nor would it be necessary for the last 12 years (V). she still is taking them. I don't know what to do with this knowledge. She knows that I know she started taking them, she doesn't know that I know that she is still taking them. This knowledge weighs heavily on me)